


Nepenthe

by cecaniah



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Recovery, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 13:45:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10968456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecaniah/pseuds/cecaniah
Summary: Nepenthe: 1. adj. - something capable of causing oblivion of grief or sufferingYixing tries to bring Baekhyun back to life, yet it's Chanyeol who is six feet underground.





	Nepenthe

**Author's Note:**

> hello!  
> there is nothing graphic (blood, violence, etc) in this fic, but please be careful anyway.  
> thank you~! i hope you will enjoy it!

 

* * *

 

 

i.

 

The annoying ring of the alarm makes him groan, and he turns it off, hiding his face in the pillows. Baekhyun didn’t want to get up, not when he managed to fall asleep after such a long night, and he turns to the side, sighing. As he opens his eyes, he looks at the empty side of the bed, running his fingers over the white sheet, feeling its softness. The mattress feels too cold, too big for him, and Baekhyun’s mind is as blank as the pillows are, his thoughts are far away. 

 

Quite often, Baekhyun used to feel as if he wasn’t actually alive. His body might be there, occupying a space in Earth, but his spirit had died long ago. He always takes twice the time to do simple tasks, sometimes his friends had to snap at him to get him out of his illusions, of his memories. The young boy used to ask himself when he did become like that, though he has the answer on the tip of his tongue, not wanting to say it out loud. 

 

Fetching his phone, he isn’t surprised when he notices the several unread messages and missed calls adorning the screen. They all belong to Jongdae and Joonmyun, his best friends, and even though he hates to worry them, he needs to be alone eventually. Yesterday was one of these nights in which he would cry himself to sleep and deal with the solitude, hugging an old shirt and sobbing uncontrollably, turning his phone off and ignoring everyone. The darkness would gladly embrace him, insomnia would be his eternal company through the endless dawn, and he would see old pics of him, his eyes burning with unshed tears. 

 

Nevertheless, Baekhyun knows that he should talk to Jongdae, and he is amazed by the fact that he didn’t wake up with the brunette knocking on his door. Dialing his number, he sits on the couch, wanting to avoid his own room, taking slow breaths. 

 

“Are you okay now?” Jongdae’s voice is smooth as if he’s afraid Baekhyun will hang out at any second. It brings a smile to Baekhyun’s dry lips because Jongdae knew it was one of those days. 

 

“Yeah.” He mutters, his fingers shaking. “I-I’m going to the beach today.” 

 

“That’s a good thing, Baek. Do you want me to come with you?” That’s what he says every time, and even though he knows the answer, he still asks him. 

 

“Thanks, Jongdae, but it’s okay.” He assures him, mumbling a faint ‘goodbye’ before he hangs out. He feels a bit better now, and he gets up, walking to the kitchen and trying to make something for breakfast. Usually, Baekhyun doesn’t eat much, he’s either too depressed or too numb to feel hungry; however, today he makes an effort to have a decent meal, remembering to take his meds and ignoring how his hands won’t stop trembling due to the chemicals in his body. 

 

The whole world feels like it’s in slow motion as he goes back to the room, opening the wardrobe door and peering at the clothes. His are on the left side, but he decides to take a jacket on the right one. It’s cold today and it will be winding in the beach, hence he fetches a dark, thick coat, feeling its perfume, which it’s still there, and he sighs painfully. Baekhyun ignores the stab in his heart as he gets changed, grabbing his bag and his earplugs, turning the music loud enough so he can deceive himself saying that he won’t listen to his mind. 

 

There are gray clouds in the sky, though Baekhyun doesn’t think it’s going to rain today. He’s carrying an umbrella anyway, so he doesn’t bother worrying about it. The mild breeze blows his hair, gently caressing his pale skin, the birds sing in the trees and some dogs bark as they run around their tail. Baekhyun is deeply annoyed by that cacophony, all the sounds seem too loud for him to be able to muffle with his songs, and his own head is screaming at him because he’s going to the beach alone. 

 

Sometimes Baekhyun just wishes silence, only for a few minutes. He hates the way his thoughts swirl in his brain, the way every single matter seems too difficult and how his life is extremely confusing. There are mornings in which he wants to kill himself, and when it’s afternoon he wants to go to college again. That’s why he can’t decide anything, why he is still stuck in two years ago, why he keeps doing the same exact things even though it’s all changed. The boy who lived next door is not there anymore, neither is his mom, neither his brothers. 

 

Nevertheless, Baekhyun loves to pretend, as if life is a theater play, and he’s the main character who won’t stop dwelling on the past. It’s kind of stupid, but Baekhyun didn’t even buy new beddings, still keeping the same he earned from his neighbor's mother. Joonmyun often tells him to move on, but ignoring is another thing Baekhyun is good at, so he simply doesn’t pay attention to his advice. 

 

Within a few minutes, Baekhyun manages to take the bus, and he sits at the window, not wanting to be bothered. He closes his eyes, wanting to catch some sleep; he feels deadly tired, and yet he can’t fall asleep, not when his anxiety is already torturing him, reminding him of the sand that’s waiting for him. 

 

An entire hour passes before he is suddenly awake by the sound of his phone ringing. It’s a message from Sehun, his old neighbor, asking him if he can come over and that he’s feeling lonely today. Baekhyun feels a pang in his heart but there’s nothing he can do now that he’s on the bus, so he answers him that he will only be able to see him at night. The younger quickly replies saying it’s okay and that he will wait for him. 

 

Dear Sehunnie is a good kid, only nineteen years old and yet he’s been through so much. He is living in a small apartment in Seoul, studying to be a lawyer and following his older brother’s steps. Jongin may share the same dream than him, but they are completely different; Jongin is 30, married to a pretty girl, a toddler in his arms. But Sehunnie is still stuck in the past, just like Baekhyun is, and he knows how lonely the brown haired boy can get. His mother had decided to go back to her home city, so he was forced to find a small place to live in. 

 

They were a nice family, Baekhyun liked them a lot. He went to Jongin’s marriage and he still went visit him in his house from time to time. He was closer to Sehun, who even had a key to his own home so he wouldn’t have to keep waiting for Baekhyun to come back from work at dawn. Perhaps Baekhyun should be embarrassed for not studying and finding a better job, however, he couldn’t change anything now. 

 

Twenty and six years, but he feels like he’s eighty. Waking up at mornings is deadly terrible and sometimes Baekhyun wishes he would be able to die during his sleep. It would be peaceful, almost poetic, and when he closes his eyes, he knew he would see his face, smiling at him. It was tempting, though the fact that he had his life in his hands and yet he couldn’t end it, because he was a coward, annoyed him indeed. He had accepted things like they are, as though they were eternal and written in ink so the time wouldn’t be able to wipe them. That’s how it is and that’s how it’s going to be – it’s useless and painful to keep feeding the ‘what ifs’, wondering the possibilities of a life he can never have. He could have had it, but it’s too late, he can’t reach it anymore.

 

Peering at the window, Baekhyun realizes the bus is coming to a stop, and he sits down straight, rubbing his eyes. He puts his phone back in his pocket and turns the music off, noticing there’s a person beside him. At the same time, he looks at Baekhyun, right on his eyes, glancing at them, his gaze is so firm that Baekhyun feels as though he’s searching for an answer in his soul. Maybe he’s trying to understand why Baekhyun looks like shit, quietly making fun of him in his head. Instead, when Baekhyun takes his seat belt off, the boy smiles shyly.

 

“Huh, excuse me. I intended on asking you earlier but I didn’t want to bother you.” He speaks, his voice is drowsy and his hair is a bit messy. His eyes are brown, his face is pretty and sharp, and he likes how his features are perfectly drawn. It’s odd, thinking about one’s beauty, mostly after his last isolation. The boy’s accent is strong, and it’s obvious that he’s not Korean, what intrigues Baekhyun: what is he doing here, in Busan? Does he live here? It’s not his business anyway and he bites his tongue, reminding himself that he shall not speak anything unnecessary. “Do you know how to get to the beach?” 

 

“Oh,” Baekhyun mutters, surprised by the question. He assumed anyone knew where the beach was, since Busan was famous because of it, but maybe this is the first time this person comes to Korea. He wants to lie and say that he doesn’t know, or even tell him to use Google Maps, but his parents have taught him well and raised a polite kid. Daddy is dead and mother is getting sick, but still, they can’t be sad. Therefore, Baekhyun raises his eyes, finally looking at him again, and he nods. “Yeah, I do. It’s a bit complicated to explain it… I’m going there, so if you want to follow me…” 

 

“For real?” He asks, for a second seeming excited like a puppy, and Baekhyun nods, biting his lips as the other smiles widely. “Thank you for your kindness. I will accept your help.” He answers, and he takes his bag and Baekhyun’s, leaving the bus. 

 

Baekhyun watches him as he steps on the floor, his backpack on his shoulders and his eyes far away in the horizon, a small smile is adorning his pink lips and he seems fascinated by the view. Baekhyun gets down too, holding his own small bag, and standing beside him. He’s taller than Baekhyun, what makes him feel like a child, and makes his heart hurt. He hates feeling like this, he hates the fact that he loves this city, that the sea waves keep singing and attracting him back to them. 

 

“I’m Zhang Yixing, by the way. What’s your name?” He asks, startling Baekhyun, he was too deep in observing him and too lost in his own thoughts. 

 

“I’m Baekhyun, Byun Baekhyun.” He mutters, bowing politely as the other did the same, and he starts to walk beside him, surprised by the fact that it isn’t as uncomfortable as he thought it would be. Baekhyun hated strangers, however, this Yixing guy was quiet as he was practically mesmerized by the view, glancing at everything as though he was trying to hold all those memories. “First time in Busan, huh?” 

 

“Yeah.” Yixing couldn’t help but smile cutely, waiting to cross the street. He feels as though he was going on an adventure, and he couldn’t even try to hide that. Baekhyun finds it kind of cute. “It’s my second time in Korea, to be honest. I’m from China.”

 

Humming in agreement, Baekhyun looks at the sides before crossing the street. He had noticed that from his name, and the last Chinese person he had met was a guy in his work, so it was nice to meet someone else. Not that he was interested in being friends with this guy, but some conversation wouldn’t kill him. It helped the voices to shut the fuck off. 

 

“Have you ever been to Seoul?” 

 

“Yes, I’m living there currently.” He replies, the cold wind hitting his porcelain skin and making him hide his hands in his pocket. “I’ve always wanted to come to Busan. Seoul is too big and a bit scary for a country boy.” 

 

“Really?” Baekhyun is amazed by that, because Yixing doesn’t really look like a countryboy. The way he dresses, the confidence he exhales, the way his voice never trembles. “How is China these days?”

 

“Well, my city is hot and I hate summer.” He laughs, and God, it’s gracious the way he chuckles, his teeth are white and perfectly aligned, the way his eyes twinkle as he does that. Baekhyun wonders why he’s so interested in this boy’s story, and he reassures himself that as soon as they get to the beach, he won’t ever have to see him again. “China is not too good these days. Poverty is taking over, there maybe be a war started by Taiwan someday… There are some attacks in the big cities.”

 

“I didn’t know.” He confesses, feeling stupid for not watching the news. He barely knew what is happening in Korea, let alone in China, and he walks a bit faster, wanting to reach the beach quicker. It’s not far, just a few meters and they will be there, but he feels nervous as he’s beside this handsome boy. “That’s why you left?” 

 

“Oh, no. It hasn’t reached my village yet.” Yixing answers, and there’s some magic between sharing your life with a stranger.  Probably due to the fact that you’re unlikely going to meet them again, hence it doesn’t really make a difference what you tell them. “I’m living in Seoul because my mom arranged me a girl and I don’t want to marry her.” 

 

Of course, the hypothesis of Yixing having a love life didn’t even cross his mind, but now Baekhyun starts to wonder if he has a girlfriend, or maybe a boyfriend, or if he’s in love or if he’s heart is broken. He’s very beautiful to stay alone, and women wouldn’t let such an opportunity pass. Yixing might leave in the country, but Baekhyun felt as though he was rich. There is probably a lot of people in love with him, and Baekhyun feels silly as he thinks he’s privileged to hold a conversation with him. There’s probably a lot of young girls dreaming about taking him to the beach in this right instant, and yet it is Baekhyun who is teaching him the way. 

 

“What about you? Do you live in Seoul?” Yixing breaks the silence, and he already could hear the sound of the ocean from there. He is looking forward to seeing it, and, despite the cold, he wants to swim a bit. 

 

“Yes, I do,” Baekhyun mutters, finally stepping in the sand. It used to annoy him so much, but now he likes it, especially the sound of the sea, it calms him and lulls him. He stops and looks at him, smiling politely and bowing to him. “I hope you will have fun today. Thank you for your company.”

 

“Thank you for helping me. Excuse me.” Yixing replies, turning his back to him and walking closer to the sea. Baekhyun watches him, a bit shocked as he sees him entering the water. It’s freezing today! He’s certainly going to catch a cold, and he wonders if he has someone to take care of him. 

 

Nonetheless, he sits down, hugging his knees and closing his eyes. The beach always feels so familiar to him, and he reaches his hand as if he can feel him. The sand grains slide through his fingers as he sighs, feeling his heart ache in that known pain. How long will it take until Baekhyun can walk freely? Sometimes, it feels as though his ghost is by his side, and he isn’t sure whether this is a good or bad feeling. The sea whispers his name and Baekhyun shivers, opening his eyes and gazing at the sky.

 

_ ‘I hope I can meet you soon’  _ he speaks to the clouds, pursing his lips and trying to stop the already falling tears. Baekhyun is weak, he’s told this to his therapist and his friends several times, and yet nobody seems to believe the truth. All he wants is to become a star in the gleaming night sky, but why does he have to be a coward? He asks himself as he talks alone, as though he could reach him, ruffle his hair and tell him to  _ stop being silly Hyunnie _ .

 

A hand on his shoulder is what wakes him up and Baekhyun opens his eyes. He peers at his watch and notices he must have dozed off since a few hours have passed. He sits straight and yawns, looking at the person and noticing it’s Yixing. 

 

“Are you okay?” The Chinese boy mutters, he seems to be genuinely worried about Baekhyun. The latter nods and he smiles softly, relief spreading on his face. “I was going to buy something to eat and then I saw you collapsed in the sand–”

 

“I was napping, it’s different.” He replies. He glances at him, he had changed his clothes, probably because he decided to swim in the freezing water. His hair is still wet and Baekhyun watches the boy’s face; his features are sharp though ordinary, his cute dimples appear every time he smiles. 

 

“You must be really tired uh.” Yixing comments, helping him to get up and to get the sand off his clothes. It is awkward for Baekhyun to have someone touching him, he rarely allowed his friends to do so, but he knows Yixing just wants to help him. “There you go. I’m going to have lunch, and I want to thank you for earlier. Are you hungry?” 

 

It had been a while since someone asked him out, and Baekhyun bit his lips, stuffing his hands into his pockets, thinking about it. Jongdae always tells him it would be good for him to meet new people, and this new guy has an enticing aura, which makes him consider accepting his proposal. He ends up nodding, letting Yixing to softly hold his arm, coaxing him to walk. 

 

After a few minutes following him, Baekhyun realizes that the boy is trusting in his gps to find some place to eat. Even though he wants to keep quiet, his favorite restaurant is right in front of them and his stomach rumbles as the food smell escapes the place. 

 

“Hey,” Baekhyun mutters, grabbing Yixing’s arm and making him turn around, leading him into the restaurant. The taller doesn’t question him, he sits down in front of him, looking on the menu. He calls the waiter, telling him what he wants to eat, and Baekhyun does the same. 

 

As they are waiting for the food, Yixing rests his chin in his hands, his eyes glued to Baekhyun’s figure. He observes him, smiling as he thinks the other boy is cute. Even when his brown hair is messy and his eyes are puffy because he probably didn’t sleep well, he’s still adorable. His lips are small and delicate, like a pink rose. The only thing that doesn’t match his beauty is the sad facade that seems to be plastered to his face. Why is he sad? Who made him sad? All these questions fill Yixing’s mind, and though he’s willing to ask him, he is aware that they barely know each other. 

 

“So, tell me more about you. All I know is that you’re from Seoul.” Yixing’s voice startles him, and Baekhyun tries to not freak out because this looks like a date, and it’s been two years since he’s been romantically attached to someone. Nevertheless, Baekhyun was once a sociable person, so he decides that the most polite choice he has is to answer him.

 

“I’m twenty-six, I live alone, I work in a restaurant, washing the dishes.” He replies, hoping that the truth will scare him and make him go away. Not that he doesn’t like the hypothesis of knowing him better; in fact, he’s afraid of liking him, of getting closer to someone that’s not Sehunnie or Jongdae or Joonmyun. 

 

“I’m twenty four, I used to be a farmer. Now I teach Chinese in my apartment.” He says, and Baekhyun can’t help but feel like an idiot. Yixing is a smart guy, younger than him, his life should also be better than his own. “What’s your major?”

 

“I didn’t go to college,” Baekhyun mumbles though he doesn’t move his eyes from his face. He doesn’t see any sign of disappointment or mockery, so he relaxes a bit. “I… I didn’t have time for it.” 

 

“Me neither. If I weren’t Chinese, I wouldn’t have a job.” He laughs and God, he’s gorgeous like this. Baekhyun wants to stab himself for having these kinds of thoughts, and he’s glad that the waiter is back with their food so he won’t have to talk too much. 

 

They start to eat, but the silence doesn’t last long. It seems like Yixing is deeply interested in him, probably looking for friends since he’s a newcomer and mustn't know a lot of people. 

 

“Do you have trouble sleeping?” Yixing asks as he chews, looking at Baekhyun and at his bowl. 

 

“Yeah, I have insomnia. My boss almost fired me when he caught me dozing off one day.” He answers, smiling a little. 

 

“Have you tried Zolpidem? It worked with me” He says casually, surprising Baekhyun. He’s never met someone who had insomnia like him, not even Sehun had it, so it’s oddly comforting to know that. 

 

“No, I gave up on meds,” Baekhyun mutters, munching his food. “I will ask my doctor about this drug, though. Thanks.” He adds, smiling as Yixing smiles at him, and he averts his eyes.

 

“Yeah, I hope it will work. Not being able to sleep sucks.” Yixing comments, drinking his water and going back to his meal. “When my parents practically forced me to marry that girl, I couldn’t close my eyes for two days. As soon as I arrived in Korea, I slept for hours. If there’s something bothering you, you definitely will have trouble with sleeping.” 

 

Yixing casts his eyes on Baekhyun’s expressions, trying to discover the source of his problems. The Korean boy looks so young, so innocent, and he can’t help but sympathize with him. Even though Baekhyun is older, Yixing wants to help him, to get to know him deeply. He doesn’t understand the reason behind his feelings; maybe it’s because he doesn’t have many contacts in this foreign country, or because he doesn’t like seeing anyone sad. 

 

“So” Baekhyun clears his throat, wanting to change the topic. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking about personal matters, let alone with a stranger. A beautiful and kind stranger. “why didn’t you marry that girl? Were you in love with someone already?” 

 

“I had a girlfriend when I was seventeen and realized I was just deceiving myself. You know, I find boys more attractive than girls.” Yixing speaks softly, wiping his mouth with the napkin. Baekhyun is again surprised by the fact that he is bisexual, and that he can say that so naturally that it seems he’s talking about a movie he saw. “What about you?” 

 

“I… I had someone once.” Baekhyun murmurs, there’s a lump in his throat and he closes his eyes for a second. It’s been two years already but he’s still dwelling on it, suffering because of him, breaking their promise that he would be happy after what happened. He drops his chopstick in the bowl, remembering the place he is, the city they always used to visit together. 

 

“Did you break up?”

 

“No. He’s left me. He… He’s dead.” Baekhyun whispers and he feels a warm hand grip his own, he raises his eyes, meeting Yixing’s, and he can see genuine care and worry in them. It’s extremely hard to talk about this, about the boy who lived next door, the life they shared ever since they were six. He allows Yixing to squeeze his fingers, liking the foreign touch. He’s tired of Jongdae’s arms, of Joonmyun’s sweet words. He’s a blank page to the Chinese boy sitting in front of him. 

 

“I am truly sorry.” His voice is husky and deep, causing Baekhyun to shiver, the tears threaten to fall and he squeezes his eyes shut, not wanting to break down in front of him. 

 

“It… It’s okay.” Baekhyun breathes out, looking at him again and smiling gently. “I am okay. It’s been two years already.” 

 

Baekhyun knows he’s lying to himself, to Yixing, to everyone, but it is easier like this. Pretending and hiding behind the thick curtain of smiles and laughs, burying his feelings inside his heart, so deep that when they break loose he feels as though he’s going to drown… it is easier. At least, Baekhyun believes so. 

 

Fortunately, the waiter moves closer to their table, asking if they’re ready to leave. Yixing knows he must be annoyed by their public display of affection, and he only smiles at him, giving him his credit card and paying the bill. 

 

“You didn’t have to–”

 

“I invited you. I am a gentleman, okay?” Yixing speaks, making Baekhyun laugh a little, and he guides him to the exit. 

 

It’s cold outside, the wind blowing the trees and their hair, causing them both to shiver. Baekhyun stuffs his hands in his pocket, in a fail attempt of warming them, and before he can say anything, Yixing gently pulls his wrist, holding his hand, though he doesn’t entwine their fingers. His hand is warmer than his jacket, and Baekhyun doesn’t fight back. 

 

“I don’t have any friends here,” Yixing confesses as they walk to the beach. “It’s a bit lonely. People are older than me, or they have the same age but have prejudice because I’m Chinese.” 

 

“That’s so stupid!” Baekhyun says. He hates this kind of things; Jongin used to suffer because of his skin color, his beautiful sun-kissed skin; and he hated all those kids. “I would be your friend, no matter if you were Chinese or American.” 

 

Yixing smiles widely at that, having support is always good, it makes him feel as though he’s not indeed alone. They move closer to the beach, stepping on the sand, but neither of them tries to move away. 

 

“We can be friends. You seem to be a really good person, Baekhyun.” Yixing tells him as they sit down, gazing at the sea. Baekhyun is glad that Yixing is distracted by the waves so he won’t see the blush in his cheeks. 

 

“I’m not very good at making friends,” Baekhyun mutters, hearing Yixing laugh softly at that. “I mean it!” 

 

“Of course you do. You’re being friendly right now.” 

 

“I’m being polite, it’s different,” Baekhyun answers back, though he smiles, amused. Yixing ruffles his hair, being over friendly, and it makes Baekhyun freeze for a second because the only one who used to do this was the boy next door. 

 

The sky is turning black, it seems it’s going to rain soon, and Baekhyun hugs his knees, listening to Yixing talk. The latter probably realized Baekhyun doesn’t speak too much, so he does it for him, telling him about the things he likes, about the children he teaches, about his old life in the village. It’s a comfortable conversation, in which Baekhyun only has to nod or mutter a few words from time to time, and it’s incredible how time flies. They ignore the thunders and the lightning, Baekhyun rests his face on his knees, and Yixing has stopped talking, taking this moment to think about himself.

 

Baekhyun can’t help but remember all the trips he’s made to Busan, his fingers entwined to his boyfriend’s, the laughter that filled the air. It is one of his best memories, though he preferred the days in which he would lay down on his lap, getting sleepy as his hair was softly stroked and they watched cartoons together. 

 

All that’s left now is the vacant room, the bed that feels rather too cold to Baekhyun’s skin, the wardrobe and the clothes that still has his perfume on its superficies. Sometimes, Baekhyun thinks about moving to another place, but he feels as though he’s going to abandon half of his life if he leaves his house. 

 

“I think it’s going to rain soon.” Yixing mumbles, waking him from his thoughts, and he nods. “Are you going to stay in a hotel or something?” 

 

“No, I’m going home today,” Baekhyun answers, fetching his phone in his pocket and noticing he should get going. It is almost dinner time and he knew Sehun must be waiting for him, since he just had messaged him, asking when he would be back. Baekhyun informs him he’s leaving and that he will come to his house. 

 

When he’s about to put his phone in his pocket, Yixing is faster and takes it from his hand, laughing as he whines. Baekhyun is afraid Yixing will read his conversations or something like that, but it takes only a few seconds for him to give it back to him. Baekhyun frowns, wondering what he had done, and he looks at Yixing, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I just saved my number.” He explains and then hands his own phone to Baekhyun, who hesitantly accepts it. “I hope you won’t give me a fake one.” 

 

“Shut up, I wouldn’t do that.” Baekhyun cuts him off as he saves his number on his phone. “I’m not friendly, though. You better message me first or I will surely forget about you.” 

 

It wasn’t a full lie, Baekhyun thought as he said that. Several times Baekhyun had lost good friends, nice people who liked him and genuinely cared about him. Perhaps it is because he is never interested in anyone, so it’s a bit shocking how he feels about this stranger he just met. He used to believe that it is easier to talk to people that you have no connections with (that’s probably why he always makes friends when he is drunk in a far bar), and he assumes that’s the reason why he likes Yixing. They’ve spent the day together and, even though it was the Chinese boy who spoke the most, Baekhyun managed to share a few things about himself. 

 

“Yeah yeah, you already told me that.” Yixing laughs and then moves closer, suddenly pulling Baekhyun into a hug. It startles Baekhyun; he’s not used to other people touching him, but then he realizes he really needed it. Yixing’s body is warm, almost welcoming, and Baekhyun hugs him back, burying his face in his shoulder and closing his eyes. However, a few seconds later he pulls away, smiling gently and he ruffles his hair. “Take care, Baekhyun. I’ll message you at night.” 

 

A quick nod is his only answer and Baekhyun turns his back, leaving the Chinese boy alone on the beach. He turns the music on again, plugging the phones in his ear, walking to the bus stop. It doesn’t take too long and as soon as he gets into the vehicle, sitting down and closing his eyes. 

 

All he can think about his how odd his day was; it supposed to be a very unhappy, difficult day, and yet it is the first time in days that he feels genuinely calm. The Chinese boy he just met makes him smile as he speaks, his voice is deep and his eyes are always following Baekhyun. He likes his accent, how he makes mistakes sometimes or when he forgets the words; it’s simply cute. He couldn’t ignore that Yixing is taller than him, and though his hands are big, their fingers intertwine perfectly. 

 

Guilt starts eating his heart alive, and he can only blame himself because he shouldn’t be thinking like this, he isn’t allowed to like anyone else, to be happy without him. And yet, here he is, smiling as it is his birthday. Perhaps he shouldn’t answer Yixing if he messages him, he should consider that as a mistake and then go back to his lonely, pathetic life. 

 

The bus approaches Sehun’s neighborhood and Baekhyun gets out, walking through the narrow streets. It’s night already and he knows he should be careful, but he doesn’t pay attention to anything besides the melancholic music playing on his cell phone. Although self-pity won’t lead him anywhere, Baekhyun finds himself mourning his own existence. The sky is gray, and he fumbles his backpack, fetching the keys. Sehun had given him one after that incident, so Baekhyun can come and go whenever he wants. 

 

Opening the door, Baekhyun turns the music down, putting his cell phone back to his bag. As soon as he calls Sehun’s name, he can hear hurried steps, and soon enough he can see a pale, fragile figure standing in front of him. He’s been crying: his puffy eyes can’t lie or hide that fact, and Sehun runs to him, hugging him tightly. The wave of sobs that follows him embraces Baekhyun as well, and he hates how desperate Sehun seems to be, how desolate and depressed he must be. 

 

“Shh Sehun, let’s go to the bed.” He whispers, pulling away and looking at him. Sehun is a mess, and yet he’s so, so young, he used to be full of life and dreams… just like Baekhyun. 

 

“Hyung… hyung, I…” He stutters, it’s evident he’s shaking and Baekhyun knows he needs to rest. 

 

“You can tell me later, okay?” He mutters, trying to smile though he ends up grimacing ugly. He takes Sehun’s hand, guiding him to his own room, and he gasps as he sees all the pictures spread on the bed. 

 

There are photos of Sehun and Chanyeol, when they were both kids; of that day when the four of them went to the beach on his birthday, of their best days, of his final days. It makes him shiver and he falls on his knees, causing Sehun to collapse as well. With trembling fingers, Baekhyun caresses those images, suppressing a sob and biting his lips as though he could avoid his feelings. He looks at the pictures, seeing the genuine smile that Chanyeol used to show on his perfect face, even in the difficult times. 

 

“I miss him so much,” Sehun whispers, glancing at Baekhyun and holding in his hand his favorite photography. “I wish I could see him again… I wish I could join him…” 

 

Almost immediately, Baekhyun shifts his attention from the memories to what is happening now, and he can’t help but feel angry at his words. He takes the box from the floor, throwing the pictures inside it, not bothering with Sehun’s cries as he takes it from his hands, and he doesn’t stop until he’s sure that he’s got them all. He closes it, putting it back to the wardrobe, glaring at Sehun. 

 

“Don’t talk like that. You don’t want to join him.” He says, moving closer to him. He looks truly broken, confused, solitary. “Chanyeol and Jongin worked hard to raise you, and that’s how you repay them? Wanting to kill yourself,  _ again _ ?”

 

“They are not here anymore! Jongin pretends I don’t exist.” He answers back. “I am a burden in his life, in your life. You went to the beach and I made you come back because I can’t handle being alone today… Everyone would be better without me.” 

 

“Shut up.” Baekhyun groans and he kneels in front of him, staring into his eyes. “It’s been extremely hard without Chanyeol, do you think it will be easier if you’re not here? Sehun, you’re all we have left.” He speaks after a few moments, his voice is soft and he’s rather hurt than angry. Maybe he’s even afraid, terrified by the idea of Sehun leaving him. Slowly, he moves closer, pressing a tender kiss to his forehead, wishing he could help him more. He hates feeling useless, and he also hates pretending to be strong. Oh, if only Sehun knew how he cried to sleep last night… 

 

Carefully, he helps Sehun to lie down on the bed, embracing him, holding him close to his chest. He keeps muttering sweet words as Sehun whines about something, as he cries out vague apologies, as he calls out Chanyeol’s name. Baekhyun shushes him every time, not willing to hear his name neither to accept the memories it brings. Baekhyun tells him to sleep, knowing it will help him overcome this day, and he sings a lullaby, just like Chanyeol used to do when they were kids. Overwhelmed by his feelings, Sehun falls asleep, breathing loud enough to worry Baekhyun. 

 

Baekhyun only gets up after he’s positive the younger won’t wake up with his movements, and he kisses his forehead one more time before he leaves the room. His footsteps are quick as he feels smashed by the small house, trapped by the thin walls. Reaching the balcony, Baekhyun gazes at the dark sky, noticing it has started raining. 

 

Smoking is a habit Baekhyun developed in the past years, and he started right in the day Chanyeol left him. His fingers are trembling as he lights his cigarette, his eyes are lost in the horizon, and his brain keeps replaying scenes of him and his lover, his own mind tortures him day by day, driving him insane. Baekhyun takes the cigarette between his lips, sighing as he smokes it, his eyelids falling close. 

 

His phone rings and he jumps a little, startled by the noise. Baekhyun decides to ignore it, it’s probably Jongdae and he will call him in the morning, thinking he’s asleep. However, even after a few minutes, the ringing doesn’t stop, and Baekhyun is annoyed by its loud sound and he picks it up, without even checking the ID. 

 

“Baekhyun?” The person asks, and Baekhyun immediately recognizes the voice because of the way he pronounces his name. 

 

“Yixing? Why are you calling me?” His tone is raspy, and he blows the smoke away, liking how the deadly substances numb his feelings. 

 

“I am bored. You could ignore me if I were messaging you.” Yixing replies, Baekhyun can sense the gorgeous smile that’s dancing on his beautiful lips right now. “Did I wake you up?” 

 

“No, I took a long time to pick up because I was intending on ignoring whoever it was.” 

 

“Maybe you’re not very friendly after all.” Yixing comments, snorting low. “What are you doing right now?” 

 

“Uh, I’m just staring at the sky and smoking, nothing great.” 

 

“Hyung! You shouldn’t smoke, it’s bad for your health!” Yixing seems almost offended and Baekhyun laughs a little. 

 

“Junk food is even worse and I bet you still go to McDonalds.” He speaks, allowing himself to think about Yixing instead of Chanyeol. “What are you doing, anyway?” 

 

“My mom called me and tried to convince me to go back to China. It’s irritating the way she can’t understand I’m a grown up man and I can make my own decisions.” 

 

“She must think she knows what’s best for you,” Baekhyun mutters, smoking the cigarette. “It doesn’t mean she’s right, though.” 

 

“I just want her to accept me as I am. The fact that I don’t want to marry some random girl doesn’t mean I am not her son anymore.” 

 

“Did she say that to you?” 

 

“Yeah… she said I don’t look like the child she raised up.” Yixing confesses, and Baekhyun is amazed by how comfortable the other feels when talking to him. “My father won’t bear me in his house, so even if I agree with her, I can’t go back.” 

 

“I think you should only go back if you want to, if you won’t regret it. Maybe you should stay here in Korea for a while, until she changes her mind.” Baekhyun opines. 

 

“She won’t change her mind.” Yixing mumbles. 

 

“She will, believe me. My mom didn’t like the idea of me and Yeollie being together, but she supported us when we started to date.” He speaks, it’s so odd talking about him to someone who isn’t his therapist or his two friends. Yixing hums, encouraging him to carry on. “Even his mom was okay with the idea. His older brother didn’t really like it, but he accepted it in the end. Sehunnie was quite happy for us and he was the first one Chanyeol told about our relationship.” 

 

“Sehun is the friend you’re staying tonight, right?” 

 

“Mm that’s right. He’s so, so young. I’m worried about him.” Baekhyun thinks it’s better to talk to Yixing about this rather than Joonmyun or Jongdae, they would probably freak out and send Sehun back to the hospital. He just wants some advice now, not a permanent solution. 

 

“Why is that?” 

 

“Sehun… He was only seventeen when Chanyeol…” He can’t finish the sentence, it’s too hard to admit out loud that he’s gone forever, and there’s nothing he can do to bring him back. “Everyone was too busy with their own feelings that no one took care of him. I was the one who found him lying down unconscious in the floor, surrounded by the pills he should be taking.” 

 

It takes a few seconds for Yixing to answer, he’s probably shocked by all those information. Baekhyun didn’t share too much in the afternoon, thus he’s a bit surprised at how willing to talk he is. 

 

“And you’re worried he will try something like that again?” 

 

“Yeah. I don’t know what to do. I considered bringing him to live with me, but it wouldn’t work… I come every day to talk to him but I’m not sure if it’s enough.” 

 

“He needs to learn to handle it by himself, I don’t think it will be good for him if he moves to your house. You’re already doing the best thing, showing him support, staying by his side and helping him.” 

 

“Do you think so?” Baekhyun murmurs, throwing the cigarette butt on the floor and stepping on it. 

 

“I do. I also think you should take care of yourself too, hyung.” Yixing softly says, his voice is filled with genuine concern. The silence is cold and Baekhyun can hear Yixing’s breath, probably thinking about what he should say next. 

 

“Go to sleep, kid.” Baekhyun ends up mumbling. “You can call me tomorrow if you want to.” 

 

“Y-yeah, I will. Good night Baekhyun, sleep well.” 

 

After politely repeating those words, Baekhyun hangs up, sighing. He hates the way his heart beats faster when he talks to the awesome man, and he blames his deep voice, his black, endearing eyes. Perhaps it’s because Yixing reminds him of Chanyeol, who had the same puppy face and the gorgeous laugh. 

 

Brushing those thoughts off his mind, Baekhyun walks to Sehun’s room, lying beside him, smiling at the way the younger immediately clings to him, holding close as though he’s a teddy bear. The bed is big enough for them both to be comfortable, and Baekhyun is tired after his long day, so, without a second, he falls asleep, dreaming of Chanyeol.

  
  
  
  


The smell of meat being cooked invades the room, and Baekhyun opens one eye, yawning. It’s midday now and he is glad it’s Sunday, what means he doesn’t have to work. The wooden floor is cold against his bare feet, Chanyeol’s jacket is too big for him and he knows he would say he was cute like this. 

 

In the kitchen, Sehun is making lunch, and he smiles shyly at Baekhyun as he enters the place. He can see the dark circles under his puffy eyes, and he knows they must be burning from crying so much. It’s a relief that he looks better this morning, that he usually copes well with living by himself. The fact that yesterday was Chanyeol’s birthday triggered those old feelings, but Sehun must have gotten control over his heart. He spots the bottle of pills, noticing it’s half empty, what means that Sehun has been taking it as he should. It is progress, and it makes Baekhyun proud of him. 

 

“Good morning hyung.” Sehun greets him, finishing the food and serving it to him. He isn’t really hungry, but he has been forcing himself to eat and to keep living, so he holds the chopsticks, grabbing a carrot and munching it. “How was the beach?” 

 

“Cold,” Baekhyun replies with a small smile, watching as the younger starts eating too. “I met someone. He’s Chinese and he was lost, I helped him and we ended up spending the day together. He gave me his number.” 

 

Sehun seems surprised at that because it isn’t usual of Baekhyun talking to new people. Indeed, Baekhyun is polite and wouldn’t refuse to help someone, but Sehun wonders how handsome this man must be to actually spend the day with him. Baekhyun has never been with someone besides Chanyeol, and Sehun wants to ask him if they are going to see each other soon. Yet, he contains himself, knowing that whatever happens, Baekhyun will tell him. 

 

“Is he pretty?” He asks instead, and Baekhyun kicks him under the table, playfully.

 

“You idiot,” Baekhyun mutters, and Sehun thinks he’s not going to answer as he is slowly munching his food, but then he blushes and smiles. “He is gorgeous.” 

 

Sehun smiles in acquaintance and gets his attention back to his food. Their meal is peaceful, none of them mentioning any uncomfortable topic, just blabbering about life. Baekhyun rambled about his boss, who insisted he should work on Saturday mornings, though his salary would remain the same. He considered quitting, but the other man made it clear that he could get someone to replace him in a snap of fingers. Baekhyun had bills to pay, and it wasn’t as though he had something special to do, so he accepted it. 

 

Obviously, Joonmyun didn’t like that, since he used to sleep over in Friday’s nights. Nevertheless, he knew it was good for Baekhyun to distract himself, since every time he was alone, he did nothing but sleep, smoke and eat. All of his friends told him he needed someone new in his life, a person who would make him excited and anxious to get out the house; Baekhyun just laughed at that. 

 

Baekhyun helps Sehun with the dishes, washing it since the other had cooked, and he likes how they are able to pretend everything is okay. Sehun isn’t a good actor like Baekhyun is, but he has managed to make up his wounds and tape the hole in his heart so no one will ask questions. Broken or not, both of them are aware that the world won’t stop because of them, and if they are willing to keep breathing, they have to run and follow its pace. 

 

After he is done, he wipes his hands in a towel and goes to the living room, sitting down on the couch and fetching his phone. He replies all the messages he’s got, though it annoys him how his friends are always worried about him as if he’s going to throw himself off a bridge if he has the opportunity. Replying to people can be quite stressing, mostly when Baekhyun is still dumbly trying to isolate himself from times to times, and yet he scrolls down his mail, looking for that specific person.

 

There is nothing from Yixing, he notices as he sighs, and Sehun raises his eyes from his screen, laughing low. Baekhyun doesn’t hear him, once he is too busy overthinking. Maybe the boy has realized Baekhyun is not worth, that he has too issues and is quite troublesome for his age. This is probably the reason why Baekhyun can count on his fingers the people in his life, and he’s met all of them before Chanyeol’s death. He’s become bitter and acid, and sour things are left aside; no one chooses lemon over a delicious dessert, and Baekhyun knows he is doing a favor to society as he is confined in his home. 

 

Just when he’s about to close the Kakaotalk app, his phone vibrates, announcing a new message. He’s sure it’s Joonmyun, probably asking if they can go out for dinner. Being older than him by one year, Joonmyun likes to treat and take care of his dongsaeng. 

 

[14h34] From Yixing:

_ were you still sleeping? I was waiting for you to get online (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ _ __  
__  
Raising an eyebrow, Baekhyun stares at the message. He doesn’t know what he is actually feeling, if he is whether relieved or disappointed that he texted him. Feelings are dangerous, and Baekhyun doesn’t allow himself to have them, hence he suppress them, pretending that his heart aching and his stomach burning are nothing. 

 

“Sehunnie? What is this?” He asks, pointing to the symbols at the end of the sentence and showing him his phone. Sehun chuckles at that, and of course, he wouldn’t miss an opportunity of mocking Baekhyun.

 

“It’s an emoji,  _ young  _ people use it a lot.” He says, inferring that Baekhyun is old and he slaps his thigh playfully. 

 

[14h35] Me:

_ No, i was having lunch. Are you still in busan?  _

 

[14h35] From Yixing: 

_ i’m currently in the bus ㅋㅋ can we talk? I am bored  _ __  
  


Baekhyun thinks about ignoring him, saying that he is busy and that he doesn’t have time, but it would be a big fat lie. Plus, himself is bored as well, and Sehun is laughing as he watches videos of silly puppies. If he doesn’t occupy himself soon, the younger will force him to watch them with him and he isn’t in the mood for it. 

 

[14h36] Me:

_ yeah, whatever. I wonder if you’re feeling well though…? You aren’t normal at all, swimming in the freezing water  _ __  
__  
[14h36] From Yixing:    
_ and you’re quite normal, dozing off in the sand ㅋㅋ _ __  
__  
[14h36] Me: _  
_ __ okay, none of us is actually normal. 

 

Damn it Baekhyun and his lack of skills when interacting with people. Joonmyun had encouraged to meet new people and yet Baekhyun doesn’t know how to talk, how to hold a proper conversation and during the five minutes Yixing takes to answer, he’s wondering if he’s already screwed everything up. 

 

[14h41] From Yixing:   
_ I can live with that ㅋㅋ _ __  
_ but tell me, how is your friend? _ __  
__  
Indeed, Baekhyun is surprised when he asks that. He isn’t expecting the Chinese boy to worry about him, let alone Sehun, and he wonders how he’s met such a gentle, sweet guy. Well, of course, he can’t assure Yixing is a good person, not when he doesn’t really know him long enough to tell, but his eyes are kind and warm. 

 

[14h44] Me: __  
__ he’s just having a hard time. He still is fighting with himself and trying to cope with all this stuff. we keep him under suicide watch, but I think he won’t try anything. you know, yesterday was Chanyeol’s birthday.   
  
Baekhyun doesn’t know why he wrote that much, why he is revealing that amount of information to Yixing. He scolds himself for wanting to call him so he can hear his sweet voice. 

 

[14h46] From Yixing:   
_ I’m glad to hear this… i was actually worried about him. it must not be easy for neither of you.  _ __  
_ and i’m sorry about yesterday… i didn’t know it was a special day.  _ __  
__  
[14h47] Me:    
_ don’t apologize!! In fact… it had been a while since i laughed. you made me smile yesterday. _ __  
__  
[14h48] From Yixing:  __  
_ realy??? I thought you hated me.  _ __  
_ this means we can be friends? (´• ω •`) ♡ _ __  
__  
[14h51] Me:   
_ well, if you stop using those stupid emojis, then we can.  _ __  
__  
Friendship isn’t a lifetime contract, Jongin told him once, and that’s the only reason he decides to keep contact with the Chinese boy. Baekhyun admits to himself that he needs someone different, an outsider, in his life. More than that, he wants a new point of view, a friend that will take care of him and look out for him. The simple idea of healing starts to make sense in his mind, and he thinks that maybe, just maybe, he can let the pain fade and gain control of his existence once again. 

 

Therefore, Baekhyun decides to give it a shot, and time flies as he exchanges messages with the other boy. He discovered Yixing doesn’t live far from him, that he owns an old motorcycle and that he works a lot. Baekhyun tells him about his boss, rambling as he did with Sehun, complaints about the customers that are too loud and how he hates washing dishes. 

 

“Hyung.” Sehun speaks, and by the tone of his voice, it seems it’s not the first time he’s called him. “You’re not listening to me.” 

 

“I’m sorry Sehunnie.” He answers, raising his eyes from the screen and looking at him. “What were you saying?” 

 

“I asked you if you were hungry.” He repeats calmly. 

 

“Oh.” Baekhyun mutters and glances at his phone, reading the message ‘ _ i’m already in seoul, do you wanna grab something to eat?’  _ and he debates internally for a second whether he should accept his proposal or not. It isn’t a date, it’s just that is more convenient to talk face to face than typing all the time. “I’m not. Actually, is getting late, I should get going.”

 

“If you say so.” Sehun shrugs and gets up, walking Baekhyun to the door. He follows him to the street, and Baekhyun has already said goodbye when he holds his wrist and looks at his eyes. “Hyung. About yesterday…” 

 

“Don’t worry, Sehun. It’s okay.” Baekhyun assures him, though he knows it’s not. 

 

“I didn’t mean it. When I said I want to join him. I won’t abandon you. Please don’t tell anyone about this.” He asks, and Baekhyun suspects he’s saying this so his friends won’t start to worry again. At the same time, Baekhyun wants to believe Sehun is getting better, he’s afraid he’s faking, so he will manage to try again. 

 

Nevertheless, Baekhyun offers him his best smile as he kisses his forehead tenderly, whispering some sweet words before leaving. It’s about seven and it’s dark, the wind is cold and he feels as though it can cut his skin. He is glad his house isn’t far, and once he gets there, he takes a warm bath. As the water is surrounding his limbs, he closes his eyes and thinks about all that happened. 

 

In a single day, he’s made more progress than in a whole year. Allowing a new person in his life is… almost as if he’s moving on. Baekhyun is scared, startled by his own actions and thoughts, which keep accusing him of forgetting Chanyeol. At the same time, he remembers everyone saying that Chanyeol wants him to be happy, no matter what. 

 

Yixing is attractive, Baekhyun can’t deny that, his voice is sweet, his eyes are gentle and it seems like he’s a good friend. Nevertheless, his mind tells him that finding someone else beautiful is cheating, hence he’s betraying the love of his life, even though he’s buried six feet underground. A small voice in his head whispers to him that he’s only twenty-six, that he WILL find someone else, but he’s still refusing to believe that Chanyeol is gone. What would he say?

 

How can he put words in his mouth and try to guess what he would do in this situation? Baekhyun tries to imagine he’s the one who’s dead, and it hurts to acknowledge the fact that he would like Chanyeol to be happy, to find someone to love and to move on. Baekhyun hates his brain for overthinking, and he makes a mental note of telling his therapist about his inner conflicts. At least he’s able to talk to her; in the beginning, he refused to speak even with his friends, and Jongdae convinced him after a year and a half insisting that he should seek help.  

 

Moving out of the bathroom, Baekhyun dries himself with a big towel, putting warm clothes on and keeping away from Chanyeol’s jackets. They are warmer and more comfortable, but he doesn’t want to mix Yixing to Chanyeol’s scent. He fetches his phone, going to meet him in the park, and he curses in silence as he is feeling anxious. It isn’t a date, he keeps affirming to himself, but he can’t avoid but feel giddy. 

 

Before he reaches the meeting spot, he spots Yixing walking to his direction. He breathes out when he sees him; his black hair is messy because of the wind, he’s dressing a black, long dark jacket and ripped jeans. As he chose dark colors, it contrasts with his pale skin, and he’s simply gorgeous as he’s smiling at Baekhyun. He wonders how he’s looking this beautiful after traveling to Seoul. 

 

“Hey.” Yixing speaks, pulling Baekhyun to a hug and the latter isn’t sure if he likes how touchy Yixing is. However, he decides not to make a fuss over it and he lets himself be hugged by him. 

 

“Hey.” He says, it’s odd and uncomfortable for a second. It’s easier to talk through messages and he hates how he blushes when their eyes met. He’s feeling stupid and he scolds himself, reminding him that he’s not a teenager, he’s a grown man. 

 

“I’m hungry.” Yixing breaks the silence, and he smiles as he talks. It’s adorable. “I was thinking about having a hotdog or something like that? Unless you want something fancy.”

 

“No, hotdog is fine.” Baekhyun mutters; in fact, he prefers to eat junk food because it doesn’t seem like a date. Having dinner would be awkward, and he thinks it’s a nice thing to do with a friend, sitting on a bench and eating hotdog. 

 

“Next time I promise I’ll think of something better.” Yixing replies, gently tugging on his wrist so he can follow him to the food truck. “It’s just that I’m really hungry and restaurant food is just not enough.”

 

“Sehun says I should go to the amusement park someday.” He mumbles, already thinking about their next dates. 

 

“We could go together. It’s really fun.” Yixing agrees. “It will make you smile a little.” He adds and then moves away so he can buy their food. 

 

Is his sadness so evident that even Yixing has noticed it? Baekhyun feels ashamed and disappointed because he wasn’t capable of hiding it well; perhaps he’s not even a good actor anymore. He supposes there is going to be a time when he won’t be able to fool not even his own mind. Sighing, he sits down, resting his chin on his hands as he watches Yixing, blushing when he looks at him and smiles. 

  
  


“I’m still a gentleman even though I’m buying you junk food,” Yixing speaks, laughing a little as he hands the hotdog to Baekhyun. The latter smiles and starts eating, and he realizes that he was hungry. It’s not the best food he has ever eaten but it’s not that bad, he enjoys it as the only noises that fill the place are other people’s faint voices. 

 

Baekhyun notices Yixing is staring at his lips and he blushes deeply, wondering about what the other is thinking. Suddenly, he moves closer and wipes his fingers over the corner of his mouth, making Baekhyun freeze and widen his eyes. 

 

“There was ketchup on your mouth.” Yixing says, and Baekhyun moves his eyes to the napkin on the table. He decides not to think about it and he just keeps eating, still feeling his lips tingle as he remembers the sensation of his soft fingers. 

 

After they finish, Yixing insists on walking around the river. It’s beautiful, the moon is reflected on the water, the stars sparkle in the black pitch sky, the wind blows their hair softly. Although Baekhyun has his hands in his pocket, soon enough Yixing notices they are cold and he tugs his arm gently, holding his hand as they walk. There are a few people in the place, but it feels as though they are alone in the universe. 

 

It’s almost scary the way Baekhyun can speak freely with the Chinese boy. He talks about his friends and his job, still avoiding difficult topics, and Yixing tells him about his life in Korea. It seems Baekhyun is the closest he has to a friend, what explains the fact that he seems deeply interested in developing their friendship. 

 

“What about your friends in China?” Baekhyun asks as they sit down on the grass, and Yixing holds his hand with both hands, trying to warm them. 

 

“Oh, I only talk to Luhan now. Yifan got married and is too busy with their newborn baby. Tao went to America. Luhan still lives in the same village and keeps contacting me through letters.”

 

“Isn’t text messages more practical?” 

 

“It is” Yixing laughs shortly “but Luhan hates cell phones and he loves to write. It seems my father gave up on me and now they are trying to get my cousin married to Luhan.”

 

“Why is that? Why do you all have to get married?”

 

“It is how things works, when you marry your blood keeps running through your son’s veins, your family unites with some other family and the chances of getting powerful are bigger.” Yixing explains. “The marriage is between a man and a woman, that’s why having a gay son is a shame to your parents.” 

 

“That’s just so wrong!” Baekhyun answers, looking at Yixing. He can see how he actually believes in the words he said. “You have to marry the person you love and you want to spend your life with, no matter if it’s a boy or girl.” 

 

A gentle smile dances on Yixing’s lips and he moves Baekhyun’s hand closer to his mouth, blowing them. His warm breath makes him shiver and he is mesmerized by his dark eyes. 

 

“I wish everyone think like you.” He mutters. “My mom loves me very much and I know she wouldn’t mind if I married someone I love… But my father wouldn’t let her do this. I’m a strong, beautiful, young man and I should be a pride to my family.” 

 

“Don’t talk like this.” Baekhyun interrupts him, squeezing his hands and watching his expressions. “You’re no shame and they should be proud of you. It’s not your fault if they are too blind to see this.” 

 

“I can’t change their mind, neither the system. So yeah, as long as the scenario is this, I will always be a shame.” Yixing says. “Not that I care, actually. That’s why I ran away, because I don’t want to waste my life with someone I don’t love.” He adds. 

 

“You’re completely right. You have to be happy.” Baekhyun agrees and pulls away a little. His hands are warm now, but he likes Yixing’s smooth skin and his gentle touch. “You should meet Jongdae, I’m pretty sure you two would be best friends.” He laughs.

 

“That would be nice.” He mutters and then moves his hands to his waist, burying his chin on Baekhyun’s shoulder. He notices the boy shivers at that and he holds him. “Aren’t you used to skinship? Am I going too fast?” 

 

“It’s okay.” He whispers, though it’s clear in his voice that he’s a bit shaken up due the proximity of his body. 

 

“I… It’s been almost six months since the last time I held someone like this.” Yixing confesses. “Ever since I left China. I don’t have friends so…”

 

“It’s okay.” Baekhyun repeats. “I think we both need it.” 

 

The wind howls as it blows their hair, the moon shines in the black sky, reflected in the water. It’s a beautiful night, Baekhyun admits, and he doesn’t close his eyes, staring at the horizon. Yixing’s warm breath hits the back of his neck and it’s oddly comfortable, almost relaxing. He likes how he smells, how his fingers are locked around his waist, his hair tickling his skin. The height difference makes him remember Chanyeol, and it makes his heart throb painfully. Baekhyun remembers how he loves to be held like this, to be close to the person he loves, and for a second he pretends it’s Chanyeol who’s holding him, his lips slightly touching his shoulder.

 

Baekhyun’s cell phone rings, causing them both to wake up from this short moment. He looks at the screen, seeing Joonmyun’s name, and he’s about to reject the call when Yixing squeezes him gently.

 

“You should talk to your friend, Baek.” He mumbles. 

 

Sighing, Baekhyun nods and picks up. It’s the same, usual conversation; Joonmyun asks how he has been, tells him he misses him and that he’s going to his house because it’s been a whole month since the last time they met. There’s no much he can do when the other has the key, so Baekhyun only hums in agreement and hangs up. 

 

“I have to go.” He whispers, and Yixing pulls away. They get up and Baekhyun hugs his own arms, in a silly attempt of blocking the freezing wind. “Joonmyun is coming over and he’s going to worry.” 

 

“Let me take you home.” Yixing offers, and even though Baekhyun wants to refuse, he nods. He’s tired and a ride it’s everything he needs.

 

The walk to the parking lot is quiet, Yixing reaches for his hand and holds it. He wants to know more about him, to find the truth behind his sad facade, to listen to him talking about the boy he once loved. Yixing also needs a friend, because he feels so alone in this foreign country, and Luhan takes too long to answer his letters. 

 

“I don’t have a car, I hope you’re okay with motorcycles.” 

 

Humming in agreement, Baekhyun follows him, putting the helmet on and sitting behind him. Yixing is taller than him, and he wraps his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. The Chinese boy chuckles shortly, starting to drive. The wind hits Baekhyun’s face as they go fast, and even though he isn’t afraid of motorcycles, he’s thrilled by the speed. For the past two years he’s been living in slow motion, and now he feels as though he’s alive, his heart beating fast and his stomach hurting due to the adrenaline. 

 

Baekhyun doesn’t live far, thus they arrive fairly quickly. Taking the helmet off, Baekhyun combs his hair with his fingers, getting off the motorcycle. Yixing does the same and he looks at him, his eyes are sparkling, just like the stars, his lips curving into a smile and he’s simply stunning. 

 

“Good night Baek.” Yixing speaks in a deep voice, making Baekhyun’s heart throb. “I’ll message you when I get home.” 

 

“Okay.” He answers, blushing a bit. “Good night, Yixing.”

 

Yixing ruffles his hair playfully and then mutters a goodbye before he actually leaves. Baekhyun doesn’t move for a couple seconds, still shocked by their intense date. He’s done several things he’s stopped doing, he  _ laughed  _ and felt almost  _ happy _ … because of that boy. Shaking his head, he enters his house, noticing it’s unlocked, so Joonmyun is probably there already.

 

“You are smiling.” 

 

Joonmyun greets him with this sentence, though, for Baekhyun, it isn’t clear what his intentions are. He wonders if he saw Yixing standing out there, if he already discovered he’s betraying Chanyeol, like the great person he is. It makes Baekhyun hate himself because he shouldn’t be  _ fucking  _ smiling after cheating on him.

 

“Sehun told me you met someone.” Of course Sehun did, Baekhyun curses in silence. Sometimes, Sehun acts like a 19 years boy, what can be severely annoying. “Is him the reason you’re smiling?”

 

“I don’t know, hyung.” Baekhyun mumbles. “I’m going to bed, we can talk tomorrow.” 

 

That should be an excuse for Joonmyun leave and let him be, but it doesn’t work. Joonmyun takes his hand instead, deciding to share the bed with him, and it’s been a long time since they slept together. Last time, it was on Chanyeol’s death anniversary; Joonmyun is probably wanting to make up for not being beside him in his lover’s birthday. Closing his eyes, Baekhyun breathes in deeply, whispering to the dark.

 

_ Goodnight, Yeollie. _

  
  


ii.

  
  
  


The noise of the bar irritates Baekhyun, and he tries to ignore it as Jongdae reaches for his hand. He notices he’s tapping his fingers on the table, a habit he acquired and developed in the occasions he finds himself anxious. It’s been six months since he met Yixing, but he always feels nervous whenever they see each other. Today, he’s even worse, because he feels that, somehow, he’s depending on his friend’s approval. He’s also afraid that they will think he’s a slut, liking another man after everything that happened.

 

Yeah, Baekhyun likes him. It was difficult to admit to himself, but the Chinese boy makes his heart accelerate and throb, his beautiful face makes him smile, and his amazing personality makes him feel good and happy. He didn’t say anything to him, he doesn’t want to be rejected, either to ruin their friendship. Therefore, he stays quiet and pretends it’s okay whilst his thoughts are swirling around his disturbed mind. 

 

It doesn’t take too long before the tall man appears: he is dressing a black overcoat (Baekhyun’s favorite), jeans and leather boots. He notices Yixing is wearing some makeup, which adds glamor to his beautiful face. He smiles as soon as he spots Baekhyun, walking in his direction. It doesn’t bother him the fact that Jongdae is holding his hand, and Yixing is polite as he introduces himself. 

 

“You’re Chinese, that’s so nice!” Jongdae says excitedly “I’m learning Chinese but it’s so hard sometimes!”

 

“I can help you if you want. I’m almost a teacher.” His laugh is soft, gentle, and it makes Baekhyun smile. 

 

Joonmyun returns to their table, carrying the drinks, and he smiles at Yixing. He knows about him, he is aware that he is the main reason Baekhyun can feel a little happy. He is a courteous gentleman, just like Yixing is, and they share a light conversation. It is Jongdae who is more interested in the Chinese boy, they are the same age and seem to like the same stuff. Baekhyun knew they would get along, and he gets up to get another drink. 

 

“He is pretty handsome,” Joonmyun mutters as he follows him. There are people dancing and Baekhyun stays away from them, though he wobbles as he walks. His alcohol tolerance isn’t that high and he is intending on getting drunk. 

 

“Yes, he is.” Baekhyun agrees, thanking the waiter and leaning on the counter, watching his friends talking. “I think I like him, hyung.”

 

“Does he know?” Joonmyun asks in a smooth voice. Baekhyun shakes his head and sighs, sipping from his drink and grimacing at its bitter taste. When his eyes meet Joonmyun’s, he realizes the older wants to comment something, that he is wondering whether he should say it or not. He ends up deciding on going back to the table, pulling Baekhyun along. 

 

Just as Baekhyun is about to sit, Yixing grabs his wrist and makes him sit beside him, resting his hand on his thigh. That’s enough for him to gasp, his cheeks get warm and he feels his heart throb. Jongdae is doing his best to talk to Yixing in Chinese, and Baekhyun had forgotten he’s never heard Yixing speaking in his mother tongue. The tone of his voice is different: it’s deeper, the words come naturally to his mouth and it’s enticing the way his lips move, Baekhyun is mesmerized by them. Fortunately, Yixing is too busy talking to Jongdae that he doesn’t notice the other boy staring at him, and Joonmyun has gone somewhere else, probably found some pretty girl to spend the night. 

 

“I’m kinda bored.” Baekhyun whines, taking another shot and he already can feel dizzy, he loves the sensation of liberty that the alcohol brings to him. Yixing laughs and wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and whispering ‘sorry’ in his ear. God, how can he be so sexy? Baekhyun thinks as he lays his head on his chest, watching Jongdae. 

 

“Sorry, Baekhyunie.” Jongdae apologizes, ruffling his hair.

 

“Hey! I’m the older here!” 

 

“But you are the cute one.” Yixing answers, squeezing him playfully and Baekhyun pulls away, pretending to be angry at them. He pouts and fetches the bottle, drinking more. 

 

“Where is Joonmyun anyway?” Jongdae blurts out, sipping from his own drink and looking around. 

 

“No idea.” Baekhyun shrugs, and then he smirks. “That girl has been staring at you.” He adds, motioning with his head. When Jongdae turns around, he looks at her and she smiles, maintaining the eye contact. 

 

“Well gentlemen, if you excuse me” Jongdae starts, getting up. “I’m going to have some fun. It was nice to meet you Yixing, I hope you will hang out with us more often.”

 

“Yeah, I intend to. Now go, have fun and tell me how it was.” Yixing winks at him as he leaves. It’s incredible how Yixing can get intimate with someone even when he met the person only a few hours ago. Baekhyun knows he is being sincere, he is too sweet and gentle for this world. He wonders if people have hurt him already. 

 

Baekhyun decides he wants to drink more; he drinks until he wants to dance, and he is laughing and (artificially) happy. Yixing isn’t drunk though, but he takes his hand and dances with him, glad Baekhyun is having some fun after so long. They only stop when Baekhyun whines about his feet hurting, and they go back to the table. 

 

“If you want to go and find some girl or boy, don’t hold back,” Baekhyun mutters as he notices Yixing is looking around. The latter seems surprised by his affirmation, but he only smiles and ruffles his hair in answer. 

 

The silence they share is comfortable; well, it’s not quiet with the sound of people talking and with the loud music, but yet they are keeping their words to themselves. Baekhyun’s energy is over after he danced and now he is feeling numb. As always, he is only happy at the beginning, and the effect that the alcohol has in his body is a mix of emotions. He lays his head on his hands, watching Yixing as he taps his fingers on the table, mumbling the song’s lyrics and staring at the wall. Baekhyun knows he must have something in his mind, and he wonders if maybe he’s thinking about him. It makes his stomach hurt and he ignores that feeling. 

 

“Do you miss China?” Baekhyun asks suddenly. He remembers how relaxed Yixing seemed as he spoke with Jongdae, and that scene has been in his mind since the beginning of the night. 

 

“Sometimes.” Yixing answers, moving his gaze back to the older boy. “I miss Luhan.” He confesses.

 

_ Luhan _ . He misses Luhan, of course. Baekhyun hates himself for getting jealous whenever he hears that name, and usually, he holds himself back from saying something he doesn’t want to, but now the alcohol breaks all his barriers. 

 

“Do you love him?” The words come so easily to his mouth that he is actually surprised. 

 

“As a friend, yes,” Yixing speaks after a while, and he’s about to says something when Baekhyun interrupts him.

 

“Is he the reason why you didn’t get married to that girl?” 

 

“What? God, Baek, no, he is just a friend.” Yixing seems confused by the way the other is acting, probably because he never shows any emotion and now he is the one making questions. 

 

“Whatever,” Baekhyun mumbles, and he honestly thinks he is lying; there is no way this handsome man in front of him isn’t hiding a lover or something. “Tell Luhan to come over someday.” 

 

“I don’t think he will.” Yixing replies, not noticing the sarcasm in his voice. “He’s probably pretending not to know me. Family is something really important to him.” 

 

“So no one can know you two still keep in touch?” Baekhyun asks, this time his soft as he doesn’t want to hurt Yixing. Yixing doesn’t deserve to suffer, he’s just too pure, too sweet. 

 

“Pretty much that. My village is small and people don’t really like me, not anymore.” He sighs and then peers at his watch. “We should go, it’s late.” 

 

Although Baekhyun is curious about his story, he nods. It’s late indeed and he knows he needs to sleep. When he tries to get up, he realizes he is heavily drunk and he stumbles, almost falling. Yixing is quick to hold him, and he supports him all the way to the street. His two friends are nowhere to be found and Yixing takes a cab, asking the driver to go to Baekhyun’s house. 

 

“Here, lean on me,” Yixing says as they enter the car, sitting down and gently pulling him so he can rest his head on his chest. “How do you feel?”

 

“My head is spinning.” He whines, and he feels odd. It’s like he’s not him - not the actual Baekhyun; he’s the Baekhyun from two years ago. He used to be touchy and he loved to be taken care of. 

 

“You drank a lot.” Yixing comments, graciously chuckling and letting Baekhyun play with his hand. 

 

“You’re lucky to have a nice friend, kid.” The driver speaks suddenly, and Baekhyun is annoyed by the way he talks. He doesn’t like when people put their nose in his business and he’s glad that the trip isn’t long, otherwise he would have cursed at him. 

 

Yixing pays for the ride and helps Baekhyun to get out of the car, laughing as he stumbles. It’s funny and cute to see the smaller boy like this, he likes how he swears at him everytime he laughs at him. If Baekhyun wasn’t drunk, he wouldn’t let Yixing get in his house. He never did, but now he’s not in his right mind to decide anything. 

 

Certainly, Yixing is surprised as he walks in. He thought Baekhyun’s apartment was organized and tidy, but he can see the mess it is, the painting on the wall is already covered by the water seepage, the floor creaks as he steps on it and he can’t help but look at the empty frames. Yixing can guess that the pictures should show Chanyeol and that’s why they are not there anymore, though it’s weird that Baekhyun hasn’t replaced it. 

 

Instead of going to his room, Baekhyun falls on the couch, sighing. He tilts his head back, feeling as though the world is spinning fast, and it takes a few minutes before Yixing comes join him. He feels a warm hand on his cheek and he opens his eyes, looking at him.

 

“You should take a shower.” He mutters and moves his hand away, very much to Baekhyun’s disappointment. 

 

“You are so good to me,” Baekhyun speaks, turning around so he is facing Yixing. He can see the confusion on his face, though he is now staring at his lips, which look so soft, so delicate, so inviting. He can see them moving as the other talks, even when he doesn’t actually pay any attention to what he is saying, and he can only think of  _ Yixing _ , of how enticing he is, how he is mesmerized by his graceful movements, how he’s got him trapped him like an insect in a spider web. 

 

For the first time in years, he doesn’t think of Chanyeol. It’s almost as though the boy is forgotten for a few moments, as if he’s been wiped from his mind just so Baekhyun can deal with his own feelings. When Chanyeol’s memory isn’t haunting him, he feels free, and there is no reason for him to be guilty of liking Yixing. That’s why he leans forward, closing his eyes and he can feel Yixing’s warm breath. He’s close, only a few inches apart, and it seems as though hours have passed before the other pulls away. 

 

“You’re drunk, Baek.” Yixing whispers, his words escape from his lips and hit Baekhyun’s mouth. “I can’t do this. It would be wrong.” 

 

“But do you want it?” Baekhyun asks, looking at him. 

 

“It doesn’t matter what I want. Tomorrow you will forget this.” He answers politely, smiling and trying to break the tense atmosphere between them. “We can talk about this when you get sober. Come on, you need some water.” 

 

Before he can even reply, Yixing tugs on his arm, being careful as he takes him to the bathroom. Unlike the rest of the house, this room is clean and white, it seems like it’s the lighter thing in this place. Baekhyun feels sick just as they arrive and he kneels down in front of the toilet. Yixing’s response to his attempt has made him feel awful, plus his stomach is hurting. 

 

The next seconds are a complete mess: Baekhyun throws up all the alcohol he drank, Yixing rubs his back soothingly, practically encouraging him to get rid of the toxic liquids. Then Baekhyun is sitting on the floor, crying as he does every time he vomits, and Yixing gets up, opening the cabinet to fetch some tissues. The bottles of pills don’t scare him, though he is a bit surprised at the amount of medicine that Baekhyun keeps in there. 

 

Gently, Yixing wipes his mouth, his cheeks, and his chin, making sure that he’s ridden off the sweat and the alcohol. He frowns when he sees the tears and he cups his face, gazing right into his eyes.

 

“Hey hey, what is it?” His voice is sweet and tender, his fingers softly caress the smooth skin. “What happened?” 

 

“It’s just… I’m so low. Vomiting in our bathroom after getting wasted.” Baekhyun mutters, pressing the palm of his hands on his eyes, imagining how ridiculous he must look right now. “And you don’t want me because I’m not Luhan.” 

 

“What are you talking about? Baek, I told you, he’s just a friend.” Yixing says and holds his wrists, though he doesn’t pull them away. “Calm down okay? I promise everything will be ok.” 

 

“Don’t lie at me!” Baekhyun sobs, moving his hands away so he can look at Yixing. “Don’t promise something you’re not going to be able to fulfill! Chanyeol promised me that and now he’s dead!” 

 

It’s obvious that the alcohol makes Baekhyun’s feelings more intense, Yixing knows it, and he isn’t bothered by the fact that Baekhyun cry has gotten louder. Maybe he needs to cry, to talk about this out loud. 

 

“I’m nothing but a slut, trying to betray him like this. But I can’t avoid it because you’re so fucking gorgeous and perfect and I can’t believe you’re real!” His voice is quivering and Yixing frowns at that. He doesn’t know whether it’s the alcohol or the true Baekhyun who is talking. 

 

“Don’t call yourself that. You said Chanyeol is dead, right? There is nothing you can do to change that and you can’t spend the rest of your life alone.” 

 

“I should be faithful and stay married to him to the end,” Baekhyun says back and his tears are falling, wetting his shirt. “But he is not here and you are just so special and I am so confused-”

 

“Breathe with me, Baekhyun.” Yixing stops him, noticing he’s panicking and talking nonsense. He wraps his fingers around his thin wrists, feeling how the other is trembling. “Breathe in, breathe out. Just like this, okay? You’re doing great.” 

 

It takes a few minutes for him to calm down, and Yixing carries him to the bed as Baekhyun seems unable to do so. It’s not until he reaches his room that he realizes how broken Baekhyun is; there are some ripped pictures on the floor, uneven writings on the wall and his things are just a mess. However, the other side of the room is perfectly intact, just like the bed. Yixing tries to act calm as he puts him on the mattress, ignoring how light he is. He’s about to leave when Baekhyun grips his wrist.

 

“Please… Just… Don’t leave me alone. Stay the night.” He pleads, and of course the other can’t refuse it. Slowly, he gets on the bed, watching as the older falls asleep, wondering what he is dreaming about. 

 

Yixing decides not to leave until he’s awake. Therefore, in the morning, he makes breakfast for him and throws all the spilled food away. He is deeply concerned about him and even though Jongdae told him that Baekhyun has been through a lot, he didn’t imagine that whole scene. Not that his own life is a fairy tale, but this is just… morbid and dark. Heartbreaking at least.

 

“Hey.” Baekhyun appears in the kitchen, wearing different clothes and apparently he has showered. His eyes are puffy and there are black circles under them, but he still looks beautiful. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn’t want to-”

 

“Don’t apologize, Baek. It’s okay.” He says and grins. “I made pancakes, I know you like them. I bet you’re hungry.” 

 

“Yes, I am. Thank you.” Baekhyun answers and he smiles a little. He sits down, silently munching the food and sporadically raising his eyes and looking at Yixing. 

 

“I thought about what happened.” Yixing blurts out, staring at him the whole time. “And I want you to tell me about Chanyeol. I need to understand you better.” 

 

“I… Are you sure? I… I don’t want you to stop talking to me because of it.” Baekhyun speaks after a moment of silence. 

 

“Why would I do that?” Yixing inquires.

 

“Because I’m not as good as you think I am,” Baekhyun replies and he bites his lips hard, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I killed him.”

  
  
  


 

_ 20 years earlier _

  
  


“Baekhyun, meet Chanyeol. Don’t be shy, baby.” Ms. Byun spoke, laughing as her six year-old son hid behind her legs. 

 

“How old are you?” Chanyeol asked, watching as Baekhyun’s little fingers pulled his mom’s jacket. 

 

“Six,” Baekhyun muttered in a tiny voice, jumping a little when Chanyeol moved closer, evidently delighted and happy.

 

“Me too! But you’re so short!” He answered, and in fact it was Chanyeol who was taller than kids of his age. It was enough to get Baekhyun annoyed as he started to argue that ‘it wasn’t his fault that Chanyeol was a giant with big ears’.

 

They became ‘window friends’, as their mothers liked to say. Their room window was right in front of each other, so they would sit down on the railing and talk the whole day. Of course, they also used to go play together and sleep over, but sometimes they just wanted to chat a bit, then the window would do. 

 

A few months after they met, Chanyeol called him one day, overly excited. He was going to have a baby brother, he told Baekhyun, and he couldn’t stop talking about it. Jongin was ten and he was boring, he thought he was big enough not to play with Chanyeol and the younger boy was a ball of energy. Sehun was his little brother’s name and he would play with them and it would be really fun, Chanyeol said. 

 

Therefore, Chanyeol and Baekhyun practically raised Sehun. They took care of him and played with him, helping him during the hard times at school. Sehun was too quiet, too small, and he was an easy target for the mean kids, so Baekhyun would always keep an eye on him, just to make sure he was fine.

 

Their first kiss was a drunk kiss, Baekhyun had lost a bet and had to peck Chanyeol’s lips. It was a slight touch, he barely felt it, though it made their heart race. The second kiss was after Baekhyun’s birthday, this time they were both sober and they knew what they wanted. They were lying down on the grass, as they used to do, watching the stars and talking about life. This specific night, Chanyeol couldn’t move his eyes from Baekhyun, who was much more beautiful than any star in the sky. His eyes were dark as galaxies, sparkling like the sun, and he felt like a metal being attracted to a magnet. 

 

“Yeol, you’re not listening to me!” Baekhyun whined, slapping him playfully, chuckling softly. He didn’t know how the atmosphere got serious, nor what happened before they were both closing their eyes and moving closer. 

 

Chanyeol’s lips were smooth, warm, perfect, and Baekhyun never thought he could love someone that much. They were both fourteen, young and innocent, and the kiss was sweet (even though Chanyeol was diabetic).

 

Realizing their feelings for each other, none of them decided to deny it, and when they completed 16 years old, they started to officially date. Sehun supported them, saying how happy he was for them, but Jongin seemed not to like Chanyeol kissing his neighbor instead of some hot girl. At first, Baekhyun’s mother didn’t approve it, but once she noticed how happy his son was, she didn’t care anymore. Chanyeol was a great boy, after all.

 

When they were twenty-two, Chanyeol decided to propose to him. Baekhyun’s mother was moving and she offered the house to them so they could live together. Chanyeol wanted to have some privacy and having two brothers didn’t actually help it. 

 

Their wedding was beautiful, even though it was restricted to their family and friends. Jongin’s girlfriend seemed inspired by the idea and started suggesting it to Jongin. Sehun cried a lot, and even after they went home, he still had tears in his eyes. He didn’t like Chanyeol moving away, not when Jongin was spending more time at his girlfriend’s house than in his own home. Baekhyun promised him he could knock on their door whenever he needed to, and that he could borrow Chanyeol if he wanted. That put a smile on his cute face. 

 

That night, Baekhyun and Chanyeol made love for the first time. Baekhyun was nervous back then, but Chanyeol was gentle, kissing every inch of his skin, whispering sweet words and telling him how much he loved him. Baekhyun knew it would hurt, and he was glad Chanyeol was slow and careful as he entered him, as they became one, their heart beating in unison, their mouth searching for each other. Waking up in the next day was the most wonderful sensation ever, Baekhyun thought as he cuddled with his husband. How lucky he was, finding his soul mate so easily, and he was sure that this was what fate had reserved for him: having the most perfect man by his side, forever. 

 

One year later, Chanyeol fell unconscious on the floor, and when Baekhyun got home from work, he had the most frightening view of his life. Later, he learned it was a diabetes crisis, and Chanyeol wasn’t taking care of himself as he should. Baekhyun scolded him for being so reckless, and he kept an eye on him from that day on. He didn’t know the worse was about to come. 

 

The doctor said Chanyeol’s body wasn’t responding very well to the treatment, and for several times he had to be hospitalized. His diet got even more restricted, causing Baekhyun to have to work harder because the food he had to eat was expensive. Not that he minded, though. He still had Chanyeol and that was everything he needed. 

 

“I’m worried about you,” Baekhyun muttered, holding Chanyeol’s hand as the latter was lying down on the bed, crying out low. “There’s something wrong, Yeol. We need to make more checkups to find what’s going on.” 

 

“I’m going to be okay, baby.” Chanyeol gasped, looking at him as he curled in pain. Lately, he was feeling a sharp pain in the upper area of his abdomen, and he would lie if he said he wasn’t afraid as well. 

 

Baekhyun was terrified as Chanyeol started to lose weight, as he felt tired after walking just a few meters, as he lost his appetite and barely ate at all. He hated how familiar the hospital was, as Chanyeol started to sleep on that bed more often than in their home. They were told it was chronic kidney disease, due to his diabetes, and it was in a terminal stage already. 

 

They told him Chanyeol could go home and come back three days a week to the hospital to get the treatment, but Baekhyun decided it was best for him to stay in the hospital. It was difficult to sit by his side as they stung a needle on him, as he was trapped to that machine. For three hours, Baekhyun watched Chanyeol’s blood running on the tubes, not letting his hand go as he talked to him, wanting to distract him. 

 

Anyone could tell Chanyeol was stressed and tired of all that. The nurses informed him that hemodialysis was a lifetime treatment, since his kidney had stopped working, and he simply hated how that cut all the freedom he had. He was lying down on his bed, Baekhyun had sneaked into his room and laid beside him, carefully holding him close. He could see that the smaller was getting sick as well, he could see the dark circles under his eyes, he knew how hard he was working so he could pay for his treatment, and Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel guilty.

 

“Baby?” Chanyeol called in a soft voice, and Baekhyun hummed in answer, resting his head on his chest and listening to his heart. “How are you?” 

 

“I’m fine, Yeollie,” Baekhyun answered, a bit surprised by the question, and he yawned. “Do you think the nurses will be mad if I get a cake for your birthday?” 

 

Laughing, Chanyeol shook his head. “They don’t need to know, uh. We just have to be very, very quiet.” He whispered, moving a little so he could kiss his hair. “I can’t believe I’m turning twenty-four. I’m so old!” 

 

“Hey! We are the same age, asshole. I’m still young and innocent.” Baekhyun said, sitting down and pretending to be mad at him, though he giggled when Chanyeol bit his earlobe, whispering in a deep voice. 

 

“As far as I know, you are a very, very naughty boy.” 

 

Baekhyun pulled away and slapped him playfully. “I might be naughty, but I don’t want to get hard and get caught by the nurses as you fuck me senseless.” 

 

“When I get better and get out of here, I’m going to make you forget everything but my name.” He said and he smiled at him. Baekhyun felt his chest hurt as he glanced at him; he still had the same boyish face, the big, cute ears, the puppy eyes and the beautiful smile that could make his heart melt. He was so in love with him, and he gasped as Chanyeol leaned forward, kissing him tenderly. 

 

“I hate this,” Chanyeol confessed as he moved away, though he was resting his forehead against Baekhyun’s, his eyes were closed and his fingers were caressing the back of Baekhyun’s hand. “I hate that fucking machine. I hate it.” 

 

“It is what’s been keeping you alive, Yeol.” He whispered, pulling away so he could look at Chanyeol. “There is no other way.” 

 

“There is,” Chanyeol spoke, and Baekhyun frowned slightly. “It is expensive, but if I ask Jongin and Sehun, they can help us. The doctor said that I can get a transplant.” 

 

“Yeollie.” Baekhyun started, sighing. “I don’t want to be mean but he also said it was almost six hundred thousand dollars.” 

 

“I know but… Baek, I can’t keep living like this. I feel like I’m getting worse.” He admitted, and Baekhyun looked at him, visibly affected by that. 

 

“Worse…?” He repeated, and several thoughts passed through his mind. He didn’t want to lose Chanyeol, he was afraid of him having a surgery, but he also didn’t like to see him in pain. “Do you think a transplant will help?” 

 

Nodding, Chanyeol squeezed his hands. “The doctor says I will be okay. I will be able to live a normal life.” 

 

That was Baekhyun’s wish, to get back to their old life when they could go out on dates and have fun, or simply cuddle on  _ their _ bed and watch tv. He missed being an ordinary couple. 

 

Therefore, Baekhyun decided he had to do something. Whilst Chanyeol was sleeping, he talked to the doctors, expressing his will on donating one of his kidneys to his lover. It wasn’t easy, of course, but he convinced them to test on him, so they could see if he was compatible. The nurses told him that sometimes not even a brother would be compatible, let alone a stranger, so they were surprised when they found out that Baekhyun was a hundred percent compatible. How that happen, they couldn’t explain, but Baekhyun knew it was fate. 

 

“Love,” Baekhyun said quietly, and Chanyeol moved on the bed, turning his face to his side. “I found a donator.” 

 

Widening his eyes, Chanyeol sat down, getting pale. “A… what?” 

 

“A donator, baby.” He repeated, kissing his face. “You are going to be alright.” He said, and he couldn’t suppress his tears when he noticed Chanyeol was crying, tugging on his jacket. He knew how hard it was for him, how he prayed every day, asking God to help him find someone who could save his life. 

 

“Who?” He whispered, and his expression changed completely when Baekhyun confessed he was the person. “How?” 

 

“I went through all the tests, I’m a hundred percent compatible,” Baekhyun answered. “I will be perfectly okay with one kidney, the doctor assured me.” 

 

Biting his lips, Chanyeol thought about refusing. He didn’t want Baekhyun to hurt because of him, but he also didn’t want to continue a dependant on that machine. Leaving his pride aside, he nodded, holding him tight and whispering a thousand ‘ _ thank you _ ’ as he choked on his own tears.

 

It took a whole month before they were ready to the surgery. Jongin, Sehun and their mother came to the hospital, kissing Chanyeol and telling him he would be okay. Sehun hugged Baekhyun, saying how grateful he was, and that he would never be able to repay him. Baekhyun only smiled and ruffled his hair. 

 

The surgery itself didn’t have any complications, and when Baekhyun woke up he learned Chanyeol was recovering well. Tears of happiness escape from his eyes, and the only thing that stopped him from seeing him right now was the intense pain he was feeling. The doctors told him it was normal and they increased the dose of painkillers. It only got better a few days later, and Baekhyun couldn’t even believe that they were discharged in the next week.

 

Chanyeol was fine, he told himself. He couldn’t be happier. 

 

Going back to their house felt like a dream, and Chanyeol was so full of life. He fulfilled his promise of fucking Baekhyun senseless as soon as he healed, and he couldn’t get tired of Baekhyun’s mouth, of his perfect, smooth skin, of the obscene moans that filled the room. They were together, just like it was written on their fate. 

 

Little did Baekhyun know that fate sometimes could be a bitch. 

 

Baekhyun came home one night only to find Chanyeol passed out on the floor. 

 

Chanyeol’s body was rejecting its new organ, the doctors told him, and Baekhyun cried in despair as his husband was hospitalized once again. The infection was spreading faster, they were running out of time and the medicines made Chanyeol sleep all the day. Baekhyun hated the way the nurses looked at him every time he asked when he would get better, because he could see that they were getting hopeless. 

 

“Baek, it is cold,” Chanyeol whispered in a rare occasion when he was awake, and the smaller boy frowned as he covered him with an extra blanket. It was summer and it was hot in the room, Baekhyun was wearing sleeveless shirts. “It is so cold lately.” 

 

“Soon the summer will come and you will feel warm again,” Baekhyun spoke gently, even though it was a lie. Chanyeol nodded gracefully, licking his dry, pale lips. 

 

“Aren’t you cold?” He asked, breathing slowly.

 

“Just a little bit. But don’t worry about me, huh?” Baekhyun said, absently caressing his hair. Chanyeol looked so young, so innocent, so childish. He knew the drugs were making him a bit slow, but it didn’t bother him at all. “You have to be strong, Yeollie. You have to keep fighting.”

 

“I’m tired,” Chanyeol answered, gazing directly at Baekhyun’s eyes. “I want you to promise me something. Promise me you will take care of yourself.” 

 

“What are you talking about?” Baekhyun asked, his voice quivering. 

 

“Baek. I don’t think I can fight anymore.” Chanyeol muttered, hating how the tears fell from Baekhyun’s eyes, rolling along his beautiful face. 

 

“Don’t talk like this,” Baekhyun mumbled, and this time he leaned down, hiding his face on Chanyeol’s neck. He cried, sobbed until there were no tears left, not wanting to acknowledge that Chanyeol’s breath was almost inaudible, that his skin was cold as ice, that he was, indeed, dying. 

 

“It’s going to be okay. I promise.” Chanyeol soothed, sighing. “Don’t cry, baby. You are so pretty when you smile.” 

 

“You can’t leave me.” Baekhyun sobbed, pulling away and rubbing his hands on his eyes. “Please, please, stop talking like this.” 

 

“I… I don’t know if I will wake up again. They will higher the dose and I am not strong enough to fight the sleep. I want to… say goodbye.” 

 

“What?” Baekhyun muttered, his heart breaking on his chest. Chanyeol already looked like a corpse, pale and thin, skin icy and fragile, but Baekhyun couldn’t accept it. “No, baby, you can’t say goodbye. You are going to get better and get out of here and we are going to have a family, just like we dreamed of. We will have a beautiful little girl and you will be the best father ever-” 

 

“Baekhyun.” Chanyeol spoke, and he didn’t have the strength to cry. “Please. Just… let me enjoy you for now. Hold me, I’m so cold.” 

 

Holding back a sob, Baekhyun nodded, laying beside him and carefully pulling him closer, wrapping his arms around his body and holding his hand, tracing his veins with his fingertips. There was so much he wanted to say, but he knew Chanyeol was tired. He tried to ignore the small voice in his head that whispered to him that this would be the last time he spoke to Chanyeol. 

 

“I’m so happy I got to meet you. I love you so, so much.” Chanyeol whispered in a weak voice, and Baekhyun tightened the grip as though he could hold his soul there. 

 

“I love you forever.” He replied, kissing his hair, smiling bitterly as he realized Chanyeol still had the same sweet perfume. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you…” 

 

“It’s okay, Baek. It’s not your fault.” He mumbled, closing his eyes. “You saved me anyway. You made me the happiest man in the world.” 

 

“God, Chanyeol. Look at you.” Baekhyun gasped, his heart beating so fast, contrasting with Chanyeol’s slow pace. “You’re perfect.”

 

“And handsome, don’t forget.” Chanyeol chuckled faintly. “I will dream of you, Baek.” 

 

“Sleep well, baby. We will talk more tomorrow.” Baekhyun said softly, noticing that Chanyeol was already drowsy. “I will look after you.” 

 

But, when the morning came, Chanyeol wasn’t breathing anymore. He died peacefully in his sleep, probably dreaming of Baekhyun. 

 

\--

  
  
  


The atmosphere is heavy as Baekhyun finishes his story, and Yixing rests his eyes on his face, the pain is still fresh and visible, as though he is reviving it all. There are no tears, though, Baekhyun is biting his lips hard to avoid breaking down. 

 

“Baek.” Yixing calls in a sweet voice, repressing himself and not holding his hand as he wanted to. “You didn’t kill him.” 

 

“Of course I did,” Baekhyun says in a cold tone, staring at Yixing. “If I had been patient and waited for a donator, then he would still be alive. It was my fault.” 

 

“You can’t know that for sure.” Yixing answers. “Blaming yourself won’t bring him back.” 

 

“But what can I do, huh? That’s all I have! I need a culprit.” 

 

“Baek, there is nothing you can do.” Yixing ignores Baekhyun’s angry look, not breaking the eye contact. “He is dead. But you are not. So you have two choices: you can move on or dwell on the past. I am pretty sure Chanyeol wants you to be happy.” 

 

“It is not that easy.” Baekhyun hisses. “I… I feel that if I move on, I will forget him and betray him.” 

 

“Moving on doesn’t wipe your memory or your feelings away, trust me.” This time, Yixing reaches for his hand, squeezing it so he can feel he is alive. “Just… one step at a time. You are already doing so well.” 

 

“Am I?” It seems a rhetorical question, and Baekhyun sighs. “Thank you for yesterday, Xing. I need to go to work.” 

 

Yixing doesn’t like how he changes the topic but he respects him, so he nods politely. Baekhyun walks him to the door, and even though he tries to escape him, he can’t avoid the hug Yixing gives him, neither ignore how those touches make his heart swell. He hates the fact that he’s told Yixing how he feels, and it seems like the younger has brushed off those thoughts. 

 

How silly Baekhyun is, allowing himself to fall for this man, to feed his hopes of being loved as well. 

 

Feeling sick, he crawls to the bathroom, throwing up again. He sits down, resting his chin on his knees and he feels numb, there are no tears left for him to shed, his throat feels raw and his head is aching. Baekhyun knows that he should go to work, but how can he get up when he feels deadly sick? It’s a horrible feeling, when your soul is poisoned and it’s trapped in your body, and Baekhyun scratches his own skin, trying to get free. He stares at his own arms as he sees small drops of the blood contrasting with the whiteness of his limbs. 

 

It’s a funny thing, Baekhyun considers himself almost a demon, and yet his blood is staining his clothes in a deep, vivid red color.

  
  
  
  
  
  


iii.

  
  


“How do we even know if he is alive?” Yixing asks as he is playing with his food, holding the fork and lazily pinching the soft meat. After that night in Baekhyun’s house, he needed a time for himself, so he could think right about his own feelings, since he didn’t want to hurt Baekhyun. Therefore, he didn’t message him for a whole week, in order to organize their thoughts. 

 

Nevertheless, even when Yixing messaged him, Baekhyun didn’t answer. Actually, he had been ignoring everyone, his phone was turned off most of the time and he only talked to Joonmyun once. 

 

“Sehun has been talking to him,” Jongdae spoke, slapping Yixing’s hand when he tried to steal a piece of beef from his plate. “When Baekhyun is like this, he only talks to Sehun and to his therapist. Luckily, she will be able to convince him to come back to us within a few days.”

 

“Why does he acts like this? He’s never ignored me before.” 

 

“You said he told you all the story, right? That’s a pretty good reason for him to isolate himself.” He mutters and then sighs. “Baek has been through a very bad shit but sometimes it’s annoying how he can’t fucking realize that Yeollie is dead and that he has to carry on with his own life.” 

 

“I’m proud of you, you know how to swear in Chinese.” Yixing commented, smiling. “But yeah, I understand you. I think that house only makes the things worse. His room…” 

 

“I know.” Jongdae completed and looked at him. “Don’t suggest it to him, though. He hates when we mention the idea of him moving out.” 

 

“I feel as though we should do something. We should-”

 

“There is absolutely nothing we didn’t try, Xing.” Jongdae murmurs, swallowing his food. “Though I think you can help him. He’s never smiled so much, in those two years.”

 

Blushing faintly, Yixing peers at him. “Do you… think so?” When Jongdae nods, he avoids his eyes. “When he was drunk… he said something about me not liking him because I like Luhan. His words… it seems Baekhyun likes me.”

 

“That’s very serious. He’s never liked anyone but Chanyeol.” He affirms. “But… I think you should leave it for now. Even if you like him back… he will think you like him because you pity him.” 

 

“I don’t know how I feel. I know that I care about him, a lot. I don’t want to screw things up.” Yixing answers, finally glancing at him again. “He called himself a slut, Dae. How fucked up is his mind?”

 

Jongdae takes a few moments to answer, as though he’s carefully analyzing his words. 

 

“When Chanyeol died, he dragged Baekhyun with him. He’s never been the same since that day. And we need to save a dead person… that’s how hard it is.” Jongdae says and he looks deep in Yixing’s dark orbs. “Baekhyun can’t handle someone going away again. You need to understand that. If you decided to be his friend… then you can’t leave, not until he’s breathing and alive.” 

 

“... I see.” Yixing agrees and then he nods. “You don’t need to worry about that, Dae. From the first time I laid my eyes on him, I could see the sadness and angst on his face. I wouldn’t have talked to him if I weren’t positive that I could handle him.” 

 

“Good.” Jongdae smiles and he fetches his phone, checking the hour. “Usually, I don’t talk to Baekhyun when he’s like this, but I think he will be happy to see him. He just left his therapist office, you can go to his house and wait for him.” 

 

Nodding, Yixing gets up, kissing Jongdae’s hair before he walks to the door. Although they’ve been talking for only a week, they got really close to each other, mostly because Jongdae was deeply interested in practicing his Chinese. Thus, they spent practically the whole day together, once Baekhyun was so focused on ignoring them. 

 

Getting on his motorbike, Yixing starts to think about everything Jongdae said. It makes sense, but he knows that he shouldn’t allow the heavy feeling of commitment and obligation to take over his relationship with Baekhyun. He starts driving, smiling when he remembers Jongdae; his smile is stunning, he is funny and, of course, his Chinese is pretty amazing. That alone could make Yixing like him a lot, because he is tired of talking to children, and it’s nice to be able to use his mother tongue with someone of his age. 

 

As soon as he arrives Baekhyun’s house, he tries the door, noticing it’s locked, and he decides to sit on his vehicle as he waits for him. It takes ten minutes before he sees him approaching, and the confusion and surprise are evident in his expression. 

 

“Baek.” Yixing calls, getting up and walking to him. The boy is startled when he holds his wrist, and he almost drops the bags that he’s carrying. Yixing can see that he’s bought new medicines, though he isn’t alarmed by the huge amount. “Where have you been?” 

 

“Uh… At work? I’ve been in the same places as usual, Yixing.” Baekhyun answers, his voice is cold and low. 

 

“No, I mean, you’ve been ignoring me for the whole week. Did I do something wrong?” 

 

Baekhyun stares at him, dumbfounded, and it takes a few moments before he replies, his tone is rather sarcastic and awkward. 

 

“You didn’t. I just wanted to be alone.” 

 

“But why?” 

 

“I needed a time for myself, okay?” Baekhyun says, obviously annoyed. “Everything is fine.”

 

“Let's get inside and talk, then. You’re treating me as though I’m a stranger.” 

 

This time, Baekhyun’s face lightens up and he finally gives up, nodding and unlocking the door. Yixing has seen how thin he is, how his cheekbones are almost breaking his pace skin, and it scares him that he probably isn’t getting any sleep. Perhaps that’s why he’s been prescribed so many pills.

 

“Can we talk?” Yixing asks. “You’re my best friend, Baek, I’ve been missing you.” 

 

“Yeah, follow me.” Baekhyun throws the bag on the couch and guides him through his house, walking to the balcony. He can see Chanyeol’s house right there, though now he doesn’t recognize the faces of those who live there. He reaches his pocket, fetching the cigarette and placing it between his lips, lighting it up. Yixing is usually annoyed by the smoke, but this time he decides not to pry on it, and he gazes at the horizon, turning his face slightly to the side so he won’t breathe all those poisonous substances. 

 

“Jongdae told me you always disappear like this. I got worried, but I’m glad that you are at least seeing your doctor.” 

 

“I can’t stop seeing her, I’m afraid of what might happen.” Yixing makes a confused noise, probably not reading between the lines. “I can’t be alone with my head, not just yet. I want to get better, whether you believe or not.” 

 

“I know you’re doing your best, Baek,” Yixing mutters, lifting his arm and wrapping it around Baekhyun’s shoulder. “You can count on me, you know that, right? You don’t have to fight alone.” 

 

“Yeah… I was just being stupid.” He says, blowing the smoke away. “I’m sorry for being an idiot. I’ve been wanting to contact you guys but I was too ashamed.” 

 

“Why? You’ve done nothing wrong.” 

 

“That night, when I got drunk, I… I spoke some unpleasant things. I don’t want to ruin anything, so I would be pleased if you all just… forget.” 

 

Furrowing his eyebrows, Yixing watches Baekhyun’s expression, pondering about what he’s said. There was nothing that could be considered offensive, for the only thing he rambled whilst drunk was that he was alone and that Yixing was perfect. Nevertheless, if the older boy wants him to forget, then Yixing will do so. Perhaps it’s for the best. 

 

“Don’t worry, Baek. No one is mad at you. Only worried, because we all like you very much.” He coos, gently stroking his shoulder. “I just want you to know that Luhan was and is only my friend. I don’t have feelings for him.” 

 

Baekhyun blushes at that and he takes a deep smoke from the cigarette, sighing. His hands are shaking, but when aren’t they?

 

“I was saying shit, okay, the important thing is you to be happy and whether you date Luhan or not, it shouldn’t matter.” He clarifies, tilting his head to the side and glancing at him. “But hey, that stuff you said, that you can’t see him, is that true?” 

 

“Yeah, it is.” Yixing agrees, visibly not affected by the conversation. “Like I said, I’m the black sheep of my village, people aren’t really fond of me, since they think I’m sort of a threat. Like I have, I don’t know, the gay virus in me.” 

 

A childish giggle escapes from his delicate mouth, and Baekhyun excuses himself right after. “I’ve been infected by it too. Chanyeol had it pretty worse, being the gay little happy thing he was.” He smiles at that and then chuckles quietly. “A giant gay thing, actually. He was taller than you.” 

 

“Is that so?” Yixing comments, glad that Baekhyun seems to have cheered up a bit. “I wish I had met him. He seems a very nice guy to me.” 

 

“He was. He was kind to everyone and even the bullies in the high school couldn’t resist his charm. He was just too friendly, y’know?” Baekhyun throws the cigarette on the floor, stepping on it. Yixing hums, a sign for him to keep talking. “We supposed to be beaten and bullied, like the other gay kids, but we weren’t, thanks to Yeollie.” 

 

“School can be pretty tough, uh.” Yixing murmurs, his voice nothing but a mere whisper. 

 

“And pretty stupid too. That’s why I quit.” It is a lie, Baekhyun knows, but he doesn’t want to talk about how much of a failure he is. 

 

“Mmm don’t talk like this, I’m a teacher.” Yixing’s voice is happy again, and he pulls Baekhyun closer, grinning. 

 

“You’re lucky you work in the kindergarten. Kids can be annoying, yeah, but at least they don’t shove anyone’s face in a dirty toilet.” 

 

“Well, I educate them so they won’t do this kind of things.” 

 

“You teach Chinese, Xing.” Baekhyun laughs, liking how warm the other is. 

 

“That doesn’t stop me from telling them that’s wrong to try and kill each other with a scissor.” Yixing sounds amused, and when Baekhyun laughs, he hits him playfully. “I mean it! There was once a boy who thought that he could cut his friend’s finger just because he stole his pencil, and soon enough they were all trying to destroy my couch.”

 

“God, you’re crazy, I should have known from that day in the beach.” Baekhyun jokes, his heart beating a little faster when Yixing keeps rubbing his arms. “Who willingly decides to teach in their own house?”

 

“Someone who doesn’t have money and needs to eat, idiot.” Yixing answers, though he’s not mad at all. “But I actually like it… those kids give me hope. I think the world will be a better place when they grow up.” 

 

“Okay, now I’m sure you’re nuts,” Baekhyun says and then moves away, tugging on his wrist. “Be useful and help me and cook dinner.” 

 

“That means I can stay the night?” 

 

“Yixing, you look like a teen talking like this, but yeah, you can.” Baekhyun smiles cutely as he enters the kitchen, sitting down and staring at him. Yixing takes the message, searching for the ingredients and finding out that only the ramen isn’t spoilt. 

 

“Really, Baek, what do you eat?” Yixing comments as he fetches a cooking pan. “If my mom saw you, she would make sure you’d have three full meals a day until you’re chubby.” 

 

“I like being thin, okay.” Baekhyun says back and then takes his cell phone from the table, noticing that it’s finally loaded. He skims through all the text messages, answering to some of them and smirking when he sees one of Jongdae. “Hey, Xing, according to Jongdae, you have a sexy ass.” 

 

“Tell him I know it.” Yixing speaks, smiling to himself. “And tell him that his ass is cute, just like him.” 

 

“Ugh, when did you guys start looking at each other’s butts?” Baekhyun mutters as he types the reply, ignoring his friend when he says that Baekhyun has a nice ass too. “You’re already so intimate.”

 

“Mmm that’s because he can speak Chinese. It’s good to be able to talk to someone other than those kids.” 

 

“I think he has a crush on you,” Baekhyun suggests, not even listening to his previous words.

 

“What?” Yixing laughs loud at that, moving closer to him as he wipes his hands on his shirt, the sound of the boiling water filling the room. He observes the smaller boy, approaching him and sitting beside him, playfully poking his cheek. “I think” he starts, not going away “that you’re jealous over nothing and is acting as though I’m in love with everyone.” 

 

“What?! Don’t be stupid, Yixing.” He exclaims, slowly averting his eyes. “You’re clingy with me as hell, there is no reason for me to be jealous.” 

 

“You’re cute.” It’s his answer and he leans down, kissing the tip of his nose. He gets up, going back to the stove, and Baekhyun is surprised by that. 

 

Today, he’s told his therapist about his feelings toward Yixing, and he’s finally,  _ finally _ accepted that he isn’t a slut. He knows he isn’t ready for a relationship, not yet, but he didn’t hide the fact that he wondered how kissing Yixing would feel. She encouraged him to share those thoughts with Yixing, but Baekhyun is too embarrassed to tell him. Besides, he doesn’t seem the type of guy who would fall for him; in fact, the first time Yixing laid his eyes on Jongdae, Baekhyun knew that something would happen. Jongdae is exactly the perfect guy for Yixing: he’s funny, cheerful and friendly, plus he speaks Chinese. 

 

It is silly, but Baekhyun considers he might be jealous at Jongdae. And Luhan too. He thinks about how lucky is the person who ever dated Yixing, for he’s a perfect, composed gentleman, besides being handsome as hell. It occurs him that he’s never asked him about his past lovers, and that Yixing doesn’t really talk about his childhood or his teen days. Baekhyun is curious about that, but he knows better than anyone that sometimes, it’s not nice to press someone into a certain topic. If they want to speak, then it has to come naturally. 

 

They have a pleasant meal, blabbering about light things, and Baekhyun enjoys it a lot. Yixing reminds him about Joonmyun’s birthday, since they are preparing a surprise party at Jongdae’s house. Jongin is his best friend and he will certainly come, bringing Sehun with him. It will be fun, Baekhyun knows, and he calls Jongdae, telling him that he wants to help them with the arrangements. They have a week to get everything done, and Baekhyun is actually excited by the idea. 

 

It’s midnight when Baekhyun decides they should go to bed, and he knows that it’s rude to ask Yixing to sleep on the couch. Plus, he knows that he has to break his habits, and it will be good for him to unlink the bed from Chanyeol. The room… belongs to Baekhyun now, only to him. 

 

Sitting down, Yixing stares at Baekhyun. He’s so beautiful when he smiles, and it doesn’t bother him the fact that there are dark circles under his eyes, that his skin seems rather dry and that he’s pale as the snow. His heart flutters and Yixing starts cogitating that those feelings might not be entirely friendly. 

 

“You haven’t been sleeping well, right?” Yixing asks and Baekhyun nods immediately. 

 

“My doctor suggested that I should take something to sleep but I don’t like it.” 

 

“Maybe we can try something else?” Yixing suggests, and Baekhyun frowns, apparently confused. Yixing lays down, leaning his back on the headboard and tapping the mattress. “Here, lay down and lean on me. I think that your problem might be that you’ve gotten so used to sleep with Chanyeol that you don’t know how to sleep alone.” 

 

Baekhyun is quiet for a few seconds, but he hums in agreement and lays down beside Yixing, resting his head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. He decides to block the bad thoughts and to concentrate on getting to a comfortable position; which is exactly how he used to sleep with Chanyeol. He even wraps his arm around Yixing’s waist, and he is a bit startled when Yixing runs his fingers through his hair. 

 

“Is this okay?” Yixing whispers quietly, his breath blowing Baekhyun’s hair. 

 

“Yeah.” Baekhyun hums in a tiny voice, sighing when Yixing keeps caressing him, trying to get him sleepy. What makes him sleep, actually, is the melody of Yixing’s heart, the sound of his soft breath and the small words he says from time to time. 

  
  
  
  
  


iv.

  
  
  


Organizing a party is something Baekhyun always liked to do, especially when the birthday person is someone he loves. It’s supposed to be a surprise, but Joonmyun himself has told him that he will pretend that he doesn’t know that they are planning something. He spends the night before in Jongin’s house, and Sehun comes to Jongdae’s home earlier, helping them with everything. 

 

That’s a lot of alcohol available, some snacks Yixing bought and a giant birthday cake. Sehun helps Jongdae carrying the breakable items upstairs, so they will have the whole hall free and nothing will be destroyed. Well, they can’t really guarantee that, especially when there’s going to be a lot of men and women and alcohol involved. 

 

They invite all Joonmyun’s friends, coworkers, and friends of his friends as well. Basically, they have around eighty guests, despite Jongdae’s complaints about the place being too small. Yixing shuts him up with a kiss close to his lips, laughing as he earns a slap because Jongdae is ‘straight as fuck’. Baekhyun pretends not to see that and he tries not to get annoyed by how close those two are. 

 

It’s about nine when Jongin brings Joonmyun in, and indeed the latter has a shocked reaction, being a good actor and acting as though he doesn’t know anything. He endures all the birthday wishes and the occasional ‘birthday punches’, and he feels that Jongdae inviting this absurd amount of people was just to piss him off. 

 

“I’m not going to even mention the fact that my boss’s granddaughter is here” Baekhyun hears Joonmyun talking, though they were both laughing at that. 

 

“Look, dude, you are turning 29, you would probably want some boring old people shit, so I did you a favor and invited hot chicks and bought a lot of alcohol,” Jongdae says, clearly drunk already. Joonmyun slaps him playfully.

 

“She’s eighteen, for God sake!” Joonmyun speaks and then he smiles. “Okay, you’re right anyway. I should go and find someone nice and have some fun.” 

 

“Don’t forget to stop by the table where the booze is!” 

 

Baekhyun is chuckling at that, sharing a drink with Jongdae, and he doesn’t even know what he’s put there. Not that he cares, though. Yixing is eating the cake and it’s cute when there is frosting on his lips. 

 

Chanyeol used to joke that alcohol transformed Baekhyun in a slut, which he appreciated dearly, and that never stopped being true. He would be a whore only to the one he loved, his precious husband, but now… his mind and heart are distracted by someone else. 

 

Moving closer, Baekhyun wipes the frosting with his finger, sucking it suggestively, encouraged by Jongdae’s laughter. Yixing knows he’s teasing him and he smears some cream on Baekhyun’s cheek. 

 

“Yah, Yixing!” Baekhyun whines. “This ain’t funny at all!” 

 

Yixing smirks and holds his chin, slowly dragging his tongue over his cheek and licking all the frosting away, kissing it after. Baekhyun is flustered and Jongdae pretends to be disgusted by it.

 

“You’re delicious,” Yixing speaks in Chinese, causing Jongdae to giggle and whisper something in his ear. 

 

“You two are the worse. Ugh, you drooled me.” Baekhyun mewls, acting as though he didn’t like the way Yixing touched his skin, as though he didn’t feel his heart beat faster and that he didn’t almost hold him and kiss him right there. Sehun appears suddenly, dragging a young boy with him, and he smiles at them. “Hi, Sehunnie.”

 

“What’s your name, sweetie?” Jongdae asks the boy. 

 

“Zi Tao.” 

 

“He’s my boyfriend,” Sehun explains, chuckling when they all look shocked, except for Baekhyun. “Just wanted you guys to know him.” He adds and turns to the boy, pointing to them, one by one, explaining who they are, until he stops on Yixing. “I don’t know you.” 

 

“He’s the famous Yixing. The one Baekhyun is head over hills.” 

 

Baekhyun blushes but he doesn’t deny it, after all, he’s rambled about Yixing several times, telling Sehun about his confused feelings and thoughts. Sehun smiles cutely and nods, politely greeting him. Yixing gazes at Tao, observing his features. He has black hair, he can see the dark circles under his eyes, which not even the makeup he is wearing can erase. He greets him in Chinese, starting a light conversation when Tao shows interest on it. Jongdae is off to somewhere, probably getting drunker that he already is.

 

“You didn’t tell me about him, Sehunnie.” Baekhyun says, pouting. “I’m hurt.” 

 

“Sorry hyung. We were just… kissing and stuff. I didn’t think that he would ask me out.” 

 

“I’m glad you accepted, uh. It’s nice for you to have a boyfriend.” 

 

“Jongin doesn’t think like that but I don’t fucking care. He doesn’t live with me anyway.”

 

“That’s my boy,” Baekhyun complaints and pats him on the shoulder. “Xing, you’re stealing Tao away.” 

 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Yixing answers, bowing his head to the other boy, and it’s cute how he is polite even whilst drunk. Sehun mutters something about going to grab more food, though he goes upstairs and Baekhyun laughs to himself. Tao pretends to eat something else.

 

“I’m seriously thinking about learning Chinese because you keep switching the languages and forgetting me,” Baekhyun says after they leave. He’s exaggerating, of course, but Yixing finds it funny and he wraps his hand around his waist. 

 

“Mmm, I could give you private lessons,” Yixing whispers in a deep voice and then chuckles, pulling away. “C’mon, let’s get wasted.” 

 

Baekhyun follows him, grabbing more booze and sitting next to Jongdae. He likes his friends, they are all young and funny and stupid, and those situations make him relax and forget everything. Jongdae has a girl sitting by his side, and Baekhyun has seen her before, probably in one of the random parties Jongdae uses to attend. When Yixing joins them, he pulls Baekhyun closer, wrapping his arms around his waist. 

 

One of the girls suggest that they play a drinking game, her idea is willingly accepted and within a few minutes, they finish a bottle. Baekhyun is awful in those games, but he discovers Yixing is even worse, what is somehow nice, since they wanted to get wasted. When everyone is drunk as hell, who will even remember what happened? 

 

It’s dawn already and most people have already left. Only Joonmyun’s close friends are in the house and they are all sitting down on the floor, still playing those stupid games. Sehun has finally come back, his hair is messy and his clothes are creased, confirming Baekhyun’s believes that he was having fun with his boyfriend. Baekhyun moves a little so they can sit by his side and Jongin is beside Joonmyun, whispering something in his ear. 

 

“Oppa” the girl calls, clearly drunk, moving to straddle Jongdae’s lap. “You aren’t kissing me enough.” 

 

“Ugh that’s gross, hyung!” Sehun whines as their kiss start to get a little too hot, Jongdae’s hands are firmly holding her waist and she only laughs at that, even moaning low.

 

“C’mon, you would be okay if he was kissing a boy,” Jongin speaks, his tone rather amused than angry. 

 

“Mmm it would be hot.” Tao opines, chuckling, and Sehun leans down, calling him a pervert. 

 

“You know he’s straight, right?” Baekhyun says, getting off Yixing’s lap. He doesn’t remember when he got there in first place, in fact.

 

“No way.” Joonmyun interferes, taking Jongin’s hand and poking his cheek. “No one is a hundred percent straight. Even Jongin, mmmm, used to have a crush on me.” 

 

“Not anymore, babe,” Jongin laughs and moves his hand away, his ring shining on his slim finger. “I’m married now, I’m hundred percent straight.” 

 

“Ninety nine percent,” Joonmyun counters. “I’m pretty sure Jongdae has never kissed a boy before… but you must have a crush on someone.” 

 

“Nope, I’m completely straight,” Jongdae assures him, getting up and helping the girl so she can lay down on the sofa. 

 

“How can you know if you’ve never tried before?” Tao points out, his tone looks like he’s defying him. It’s true that he barely knows Jongdae, but alcohol makes him act as though they are all his besties. 

 

“It’s just a kiss, is not that different.” Yixing finally enters the conversation, smiling directly at him. 

 

“You have to kiss someone today, Dae,” Joonmyun says, and it’s been awhile since he’s got  _ that  _ drunk. In this state, Joonmyun doesn’t think before speaking, what is something that he does all the time. “You won’t even remember, uh.” 

 

“Oh fuck,” Jongdae mutters, looking around and noticing Yixing has been staring at him. “Fuck, why not? It can’t be that bad.” He sounds determined and he gets up, pacing around the circle, pretending to be looking for his prey, deciding who will be his victim. 

 

It doesn’t really surprise Baekhyun when he stops by Yixing, kneeling down and smiling at him. Yixing rests his hands on his waist, holding him close and gazing upon him. Jongdae fetches the bottle beside him and takes a few gulps, grimacing a bit as his throat burns. He grins again and it seems as though the alcohol has encouraged him to continue, thus he leans down, cupping Yixing’s face. 

 

Jongdae presses his lips against Yixing’s, closing his eyes and laughing when his friends scream some bullshit at him. He allows Yixing to deepen the kiss and he parts his lips, gasping when he feels his tongue. He pulls away, bowing at his public and then sitting down again. 

 

“Now I can tell you guys that I’m sure I’m completely straight.” 

 

When Baekhyun exchanges a few glances with Yixing, he feels hurt. He knows he has no right to feel that way, but Yixing has kissed his best friend, and even though Yixing says something about being a nonmeaningful kiss, Baekhyun can’t help but feel sick. His head is spinning, that scene is repeating itself over and over again, and the voices around him are suddenly so loud, almost unbearable. He excuses himself, running to the bathroom and kneeling on the floor, throwing up in the toilet. 

 

It seems quite familiar the sensation of his eyes burning, and he rubs them hard, groaning in frustration. Fighting to stand up, Baekhyun manages to stagger to the hall, leaning on the wall. Joonmyun looks at him, beckoning him with his sweet voice, asking him to sit beside him. 

 

“I… I’m not feeling well.” He mumbles, his fingers are trembling around the doorknob, and before he can leave, he feels a hand on his arm. 

 

“Baek, sleep here.” Jongdae speaks in a gentle voice, and Baekhyun turns around, glaring at him. 

 

“Why should I? I’m not really interested in watching you make out with Yixing.” Baekhyun snarls, clearly angry and pissed off. 

 

“What are you even talking about? Baek, you know that I just kissed him because they were annoying me-” 

 

“I see the way you look at him, Jongdae.” He answers, keeping his voice low. “You could kiss anyone but you had to choose him. You had to choose him, knowing that I fucking  _ like  _ him.” 

 

“Who else could I kiss? Yixing was the only option; you are the only one who doesn’t have a boyfriend but I wouldn’t kiss you because you’re like a brother to me. It didn’t mean anything, Baek, and you know it!” 

 

“Baek, you’re not thinking straight,” Yixing says, moving closer and resting his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. 

  
“Fuck, just leave me alone, okay?” Baekhyun groans, trying to move away and whining when he still feels those hands touching him. “Let me fucking go!” 

 

Jongdae looks rather hurt and he moves away, pulling Yixing with him. Everyone is quiet, watching the whole scene, and Baekhyun curses under his breath as he leaves the house, slamming the door shut. 

 

The stupid tears fog his vision, his legs feel like they are made of jelly, and he is still nauseous. Baekhyun doesn’t know how he managed to get back to his home, neither how he didn’t get robbed in the way. When he arrives, he passes out on the floor, ignoring the way his chest hurts.

  
  
  
  
  


Loud knocks on the door wake him up, and Baekhyun sits down, looking around him and realizing he’s in the living room. He stands up, groaning as he ends up hitting his feet on the table. His head aches like it’s on fire, his eyes are burning as well, and his tongue looks like sandpaper. He’s thirsty, but the incessant noises stop him from getting some water. 

 

Sighing, Baekhyun decides to go and see who is the motherfucker knocking at his door on a Sunday morning, and he is indeed surprised when he sees Jongin standing there. 

 

“You are so fucking selfish.” It’s his first words as he enters the house, grabbing his collar and pushing him against the wall. The older boy is evidently drunk, his breath smells like cheap vodka and Baekhyun wonders if the party is still going on. “How could you do that?!” 

 

“What the hell are you talking about, Jongin?” Baekhyun asks, and he’s more annoyed with his head is spinning than with the fact that Jongin is holding him tight, almost aggressively. 

 

“I’m talking about you leaving yesterday, after making a fucking scene. It was Joonmyun’s birthday, it was supposed to be fun until the end but you had to ruin it all.” Jongin growls, staring at his eyes. “Joonmyun is blaming himself because he suggested that Jongdae kissed someone, he is blaming himself thinking that you could have gotten hurt because of him.” 

 

“Oh.” Baekhyun mutters, and he remembers random moments of the earlier night. He remembers being on Yixing’s lap, dancing with him, playing some stupid drinking game… he remembers the kiss and how angry he got, how unnecessarily rude he was at his friends. 

 

“Joonmyun sacrifices himself every day, only to take care of you, and that’s how you repay him? Ruining his birthday party?” Jongdae’s words cut him deeper than a knife, he feels like he’s bleeding inside. “You should think about your life, Baekhyun. Sometimes it seems like you’re trying to drag everyone to the hell you’ve created for yourself.” 

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“You make everyone worry, you disappear for weeks, you act recklessly, you scare them because you want to join Chanyeol and you won’t even admit it...” 

 

“Shut up.” Baekhyun murmurs, biting his lips hard to stop himself from sobbing pitifully. 

 

“...and you don't have the fucking right to act as though you’re the only one who is suffering.” Jongin continues, his hands are shaking as his voice is quivering. “You’ve never considered that Jongdae was Chanyeol’s best friend, that he’s falling apart as well? You’re too busy mourning and you don’t see the way Jongdae cries when he thinks no one is looking.” 

 

“I… I didn’t think…” 

 

“You didn’t think that someone other than his husband could miss him? I’ve got some news for you, Baekhyun; when Chanyeol died, he took a piece of us with him. But we learned to live with it, we didn’t stop in the time like you did.” 

 

“Jongin…” 

 

“Sehun has tried to kill himself and yet he’s dealing with it better than you. We are his brothers, and we managed to move on, so tell me, why can’t you fucking move on too?” 

 

Baekhyun gnaws his lips, hating the tears that start falling and he feels pathetic as Jongin releases him, as he falls on the floor, sitting down and feeling small and stupid. 

 

“Just… Think about what I said. And apologize to them, Baekhyun.” Jongin finishes, not even looking back as he leaves the house. 

 

Shivering, Baekhyun hides his face on his palms, trying to control his breath. He knows Jongin is right about everything he’s said, but instead of feeling motivated, he feels guilty. He feels like a burden to his friends, to Yixing. The Chinese boy was looking for a friend but has gotten a drama queen in place of, and he really doesn’t deserve all this. Yixing is pure and gentle, he has suffered a lot and Baekhyun is aware that it must be extremely difficult to live without his family, to survive in a foreign country. 

 

Sniffling softly, Baekhyun gets up, supporting himself on the furniture, walking to the bathroom and fumbling the cabinet, finding his pills. His fingers are trembling as he grabs them, and he takes them raw, wishing that they will make him feel better. 

 

This house always makes him feel trapped like a claustrophobic would feel, and he fetches his keys, not even bothering to put some clean clothes on. He knows where his legs are taking him as he starts to walk, the breeze blows his hair strongly, and not even the warm sun can stop him from feeling cold. 

 

There is no need for him to think as he walks, his cell phone vibrates in his pocket and he ignores it. It might be Joonmyun, and he feels embarrassed, after all Jongin said. It wasn’t his intention to hurt him and ruin his night, but he managed to screw things up as always. Joonmyun can never rest, he feels responsible for Baekhyun’s life and he takes care of him, being nearly over protective sometimes. 

 

Baekhyun doesn’t answer his phone as it keeps ringing, starting to climb a hill. There are a few people jogging, and Baekhyun doesn’t even know how many hours have passed since he left his house. When he arrives the edge, he can feel the cold wind, making him regret of not wearing something warmer. 

 

Sitting down, Baekhyun rests his chin on the railing, slipping his feet out and swinging them back and forth. There is no ground under his legs and he likes the dangerous sensation thrilling his body. The mountain is high and Baekhyun observes the precipice, noticing how close he is, how easy it is to fall down and give his life a proper ending. 

 

He closes his eyes, sighing softly and he tries to avoid the tears that come to his eyes, wanting to betray him. Everyone keeps reminding him that Chanyeol is dead, but does it mean Baekhyun has to abandon him? Frequently, Baekhyun concludes that moving on means forgetting, means destroying all the memories, pretending that he’s never met the giant, cute boy with big ears. Deep down, Baekhyun is aware that his friends are right, but leaving his comfort zone is a tough mission. He’s walked a long path already, and it seems as though the huge stones are yet to come. 

 

Absorbed in his own thoughts, Baekhyun doesn’t see that someone is coming close, sitting beside him and grabbing the railing, as if they are afraid to fall down. 

 

“You have to quit this habit of declining our calls.” The voice belongs to Yixing, and Baekhyun turns his head to the side, furrowing his eyebrows as he studies his face. 

 

“How did you find me?” 

 

“I tracked your phone,” Yixing explains, laughing shortly. “Joonmyun was just too worried and I promised I would find you.” 

 

“That sounds creepy, Xing,” Baekhyun mutters, glancing at the abyss once again. The silence falls over them, and Yixing only breaks it after a few minutes.

 

“You know, we have a lot in common.” He starts, his eyes lost in the horizon. “The first time I came to Korea, I found this place. It made me calm.” 

 

“I like here. It’s quiet and no one ever bothers me.” Baekhyun comments, shivering due to the icy breeze. 

 

“That’s what made me come here quite often. I spent a month at a friend’s house, before I had to go back home.” Yixing made a brief pause before continuing his speech. “I was seventeen when I ran away from China, but I was too poor to live by myself. I didn’t find a job because I was quite young.” 

 

Baekhyun tries to imagine how it must have been, to picture a teenager Yixing seeking shelter in a foreign place. 

 

“My dad had called me that day, and he scolded me, demanding that I came home immediately. I walked for hours until I found this place, and I sat here, just like we are sitting now.” Gradually, Yixing’s voice drops down. “I was thinking of jumping.” 

 

“You… what? Why?” Baekhyun asks, widening his eyes and looking at him, his heart aches when he realizes that crystalline tears adorn Yixing’s dark orbs. 

 

“I was tired, Baek, but then I noticed that it would be stupid, giving up like this. There is happiness in this world, we can’t simply waste the opportunity that is given to us.” Yixing mutters, pursing his lips. “I thought things would change when I went home, when in fact, they got worse. Daddy didn’t appreciate having a faggot as his son, his only heir didn’t want to marry the girl he imposed to him. He had every right to be angry.” 

 

“That’s why you left again?” 

 

“Yeah. Actually, the breaking point was when even Luhan started to get cold with me. When we were younger, we would touch each other a lot and we were so clingy, but then… The gossips about me being gay spread around the village and being seen with me meant that you were a faggot as well. Luhan is a good friend when we are apart and no eyes can spot us.” 

 

“Don’t use that word.” Baekhyun cuts him, and he moves a little closer, his thighs touching Yixing’s. “I’m sorry things were tough for you...  But now… Are you okay?” 

 

“I am. I’ve grown up and I’ve made awesome friends, I’ve met people that support me, regardless my sexual orientation.” He answers and then smiles gently. “It’s my life, Baek, and no one has the right of ruining it. The same applies to you. You shouldn’t let your life end because of the circumstances.” 

 

“I know.” Baekhyun murmurs, sighing deeply. “I’m sorry for yesterday.” He adds.

 

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.” Yixing replies, turning around and facing him. Slowly, he coerces Baekhyun to move away from the cliff, sitting in the grass, where is considerably safer. “I’ve played with your feelings, I shouldn’t have kissed Jongdae.”

 

“He said himself it was an unmeaningful kiss. I was being stupid, that’s all.” 

 

“No, you weren’t, Baek,” Yixing speaks, resting his palm on Baekhyun’s thigh. “That night, when you got drunk, you told me that you liked me. But then you asked me to forget, and I thought it was for the best because you still are struggling with Chanyeol’s absence. That’s why I let Jongdae kiss me yesterday; besides the fact that I was drunk, of course.” 

 

“I… I was confused. I still am.” Baekhyun admits. “But I talked to my therapist and she said… that I should share my feelings with you.” 

 

“Do you still think you’re a slut, Baek? Do you feel like you’re betraying Chanyeol? I need to know that.” Yixing’s tone is composed, though he is obviously nervous and worried. 

 

“No… I know he won’t come back. I know that. It’s going to take a time until I accept that, but I shared the bed with you and that’s an advance, right?” 

 

“Yes, it is.” Yixing agrees. “I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want you to fight with your feelings, I didn’t want you to feel that you were betraying Chanyeol.” 

 

It’s a very noble act, Baekhyun assumes, and his heart flutters at this train of thought. 

 

“I… I like you. A lot. It… It hurt to see you kissing Jongdae.” He whispers, avoiding the other’s gaze. He’s been thinking about how he should confess, and he can’t help but feel anxious. What if the Chinese boy refuses him? Or maybe he can even feel disgusted… Baekhyun hates to be a burden, he doesn’t want to be a weight on Yixing’s shoulders. 

 

“I’m sorry I had to kiss someone else to realize I like you too, Baek,” Yixing whispers back, his hand searching for Baekhyun’s, and he strokes his fingers, carefully rubbing his knuckles. “I knew that my feelings were stronger than if you were just a friend, but I needed to be sure before saying anything. I am certain of how I feel, though. I like you.” 

 

This moment is similar to Chanyeol’s confession, and even though the place is different, the feeling is almost the same. Baekhyun decides to not fight and hold back his smile, the warmth involves his body and he feels blessed. How lucky is he, Baekhyun thinks, to find a perfect boy like Yixing, right in the day he needed comfort at most? How lucky is he, when their feelings are reciprocated?

Carefully, Yixing pulls Baekhyun closer, drawing him towards his arms, hugging him tightly. Baekhyun is sitting between his legs now, and Yixing buries his face in his hair, loving its perfume. The low sound of Baekhyun’s breath is enough to calm him down, all his fears disappearing as he lulls the boy. Baekhyun seems so small, and yet he is so strong. Yixing doesn’t want to let him go, not when they both finally recognized their feelings. 

 

Neither of them wants to move away, not when they are comfortable, with their eyes closed, the warmth shared between their bodies heats them up. It seems like an hour has passed until Yixing’s phone rings, and he fetches it in his pocket, still not letting go of Baekhyun. 

 

“Mmm yeah, I’ve got him. He is okay. I’ll bring him back soon. Yeah. Tell Joonmyun not to worry, ok?” Yixing talks in the phone, keeping his voice low as though he doesn’t want to wake Baekhyun up from this dreamful moment. “It’s Jongdae. He is extremely sorry for hurting you.”

 

“It’s not his fault,” Baekhyun mutters, his voice muffled by Yixing’s jacket. “I need to apologize to everyone.” 

 

“It will be nice to sort things out.” Yixing agrees and he finally pulls away, planting a soft kiss to his head. “Come on, I will drive you there.” 

 

Baekhyun gets up, glad that there isn’t any awkwardness between them, and he follows him, sitting down on his motorbike. He wraps his hands around his waist, as he always does, though this time he closes his eyes, smiling like a silly teenager.

  
  
  


v.

 

It’s November 24th and Baekhyun locks himself in his house, though this time Yixing is with him. Baekhyun spends two hours alone in the room, running his fingers over Chanyeol’s clothes, re-reading old letters, seeing their photographies. Chanyeol was the tidy one, and Baekhyun did his best to keep his side of the room in this way; he also fixed all the broken things and got ridden of the mess on his own side. The place is more harmonious, both sides are calm and in order, and it does help Baekhyun to sleep better.

 

After performing his ritual, Baekhyun goes back to the living room, sighting Yixing, who waits for him with open arms. They sit on the couch and Baekhyun lays down, resting his head on his chest, not even saying a word. It’s Chanyeol’s death anniversary, it’s been officially three years since he left him, but this day always hurts the same. He is glad Tao is taking care of Sehun, trying to keep him distracted. Yixing allows Baekhyun to have his time, not even shushing him when he starts to cry silently. 

 

There was a night when Yixing had showered and forgot to put a t-shirt. Baekhyun had seen two things in that second: the first was that he had an awesome abdomen, his muscles were defined and flat, signing that he worked out a lot; and the second, the pink sprinkles all over his chest. It was the first time Baekhyun saw Yixing crying, as he told him that those were cigarette marks, it was supposed to destroy the faggot inside him. Baekhyun had held him close and he realized that he was hurting too, that he needed him as much as he needed him. He also discovered that Yixing was in therapy for almost one year, what explained his calm, composed behavior. 

 

It’s been one month since they confessed their feelings, but they didn’t even share a kiss. Yixing wanted Baekhyun to take things slowly, to fully unlink himself of Chanyeol’s ghost, so he could focus on their relationship. They were clingier, Yixing often slept in Baekhyun’s bed, but he respected the older one. Baekhyun is relieved that he didn’t need to admit that he was scared, for he wasn’t certain that he would be able to kiss Yixing without feeling guilty. 

 

Joonmyun told him he wanted them to go for a walk at night. Baekhyun obviously accepted, though he did find odd that Joonmyun wanted to meet him on that specific day. 

 

“Darling” Yixing whispers, moving a little so Baekhyun can sit down. “Do you want to eat something?” 

 

“Yes, please,” Baekhyun mutters, rubbing his eyes. Yixing gets up, gently tugging on his wrist so Baekhyun can watch him cook.

 

“I had an idea,” Yixing says as he is searching for the ingredients, he knows the cabinet as his own. “Do you want to sleep in my apartment tonight? You’ve never gone there, and I think it would be good for you to sleep in a different bed, especially today.” 

 

After pondering for a few seconds, Baekhyun nods in silence, clearly too deep in his own thoughts. Yixing believes it will be better to stay away from his room that night, and he hopes that his company will help him dull the pain. 

 

The dinner is quiet as well, Baekhyun can’t help but remember all the meals he had with Chanyeol, right in that table. They were supposed to be together forever, to have a beautiful girl and a dog for her to play with. It wasn’t in his plans having to bury him, though Baekhyun didn’t go to the funeral. It’s unfair, how everything they built was ripped from his hands in a second. 

 

The doorbell wakes him from his thoughts, and Yixing gets up, smiling when he sees Joonmyun standing there. The older enters the house, noticing the quietude of the place. He wonders how Baekhyun manages to live there, it must be lonely to be in a big house and no one to share with. He’s glad Yixing is there with him, wishing that perhaps he won’t miss Chanyeol so much.

 

“Hey there.” Joonmyun greets softly, walking to Baekhyun and pulling him into a tight hug. “How are you holding up?” 

 

“It’s… better than the last times.” Baekhyun mutters against his shoulders, the smooth wool tickles his face. 

 

“Yeah?” Joonmyun hums quietly and he raises his eyes, looking at Yixing. “That’s a good thing, Baek. I need you to be strong, just a little bit more.” 

 

Gently, Joonmyun pulls away, still gazing at the Chinese boy, before he finally observes Baekhyun’s expressions. 

 

“I need you to trust me, Baek. There is a place we need to go today, it won’t be easy, I won’t lie, but I will be there with you.” Joonmyun announces, noticing how Baekhyun seems confused by his words, and the younger shrugges, evidently absentminded. 

 

“Can you drop him at my home?” Yixing asks. “Baek will sleep with me tonight.” 

 

Joonmyun nods graciously, waiting for Yixing to hug Baekhyun goodbye so they can leave. He opens the car’s door and enters the vehicle as well, starting to drive. It’s dark outside, a gloomy night, which he thinks it suits that date. Baekhyun has leaned his head on the window, apparently absorbed by his own thoughts. Joonmyun chews on his lower lip, his eyes focused on the road as he ponders about what they are going to do. He knows it’s about time, that’s the right thing to do, and yet he feels slightly afraid that it may cause some unwanted consequences to Baekhyun.  

 

It takes about forty minutes before they arrive, and as soon as Joonmyun parks the car, he cocks his head to stare at Baekhyun. He can see the faded shade of betrayal on his face, and Baekhyun opens his mouth a few times before any sound can successfully come out.

 

“No… No, take me back!” Baekhyun whines, pathetically squirming in his seat, almost as though he’s afraid. 

 

“Baekhyun, you need to see this by yourself.” Joonmyun calmly says, ignoring the protests and complaints from the other one. “Calm down. I told you I’m here with you.”

 

“I… I can’t go in there…” Baekhyun gasps and Joonmyun firmly holds his wrist, cupping his face with the other hand, forcing him to look at him.    
  


“You can and you will. Just… trust me, okay?” He speaks, slowly unfastening his seatbelt and muttering encouraging words as Baekhyun tries to calm himself down. It takes a couple minutes before he succeeds and Baekhyun nods weakly, taking a deep breath before he finally opens the car’s door. 

 

Raising his head up, Baekhyun gazes at the cemetery's entry, swallowing and reaching for Joonmyun’s hand. He hates that place, he refused to go to Chanyeol’s funeral, and he’s terrified of the idea of walking inside. He knows, however, that he needs to make progress, and that he isn’t alone; that’s the only thing that assures him and gives him the strength he needs to take the first step in. 

 

Intertwining their fingers, Joonmyun coaxes him to keep going, guiding him along the path. The branches crack under their feet, the wind howls and blows the leaves in the trees, and an owl hoot faraway. All those noises would be enough to frighten Baekhyun, make him feel as though he is in a horror movie, but he only sniffles quietly, tightening his grip on Joonmyun’s hand. It seems unending, the line of crosses scare him as he thinks of how many they are, of how all those people are dead and their family must be suffering too. They all have their story, and Baekhyun prays in silence for them. 

 

Suddenly, Joonmyun stops, and he seems like he knows the way by heart. 

 

“It’s here. I brought him some flowers today.” Joonmyun mutters, and Baekhyun closes his eyes for a few seconds, before breathing deeply and opening them, staring at the grave in front of him. His knees give up and he falls on the ground, the pain is too raw, almost unbearable, and he notices it’s the closest he’s been to Chanyeol in those past years.

 

Delicately, Baekhyun touches the ground, feeling the dirt stick to his palms. There are several flowers resting next to the grave, probably because today is Chanyeol’s death anniversary. It’s stupid to blame himself for not giving one of those to him, but Baekhyun does it anyway. 

 

“Park Chanyeol.” Baekhyun whispers as he reads the words written in the cold stone, and he shuts his eyes again, his fingers absently caressing the grass under him. “Yeollie. It’s me. I’m sorry for taking so long… to come and see you. I miss you so much” 

 

For a second, Baekhyun wishes the next scene will happen as though it’s one of those stupid movies, that he will feel close to Chanyeol, that he will be able to talk to him and feel corresponded. It is like he’s stabbed in the back when none of those things happen, and all the answer he has is the dead, deep silence of the cemetery. He can’t even sense Chanyeol’s spirit, not like sometimes when he was sure that his lover was standing beside him. The faint connection he feels now is weaker than his dreams, and he bites his lips hard to stop himself from sobbing. 

 

“He is not here.” Baekhyun breathes out, slowly getting up and staring at the words. He isn’t stupid, he knows Chanyeol was buried there, but he is certain Chanyeol’s soul isn’t trapped to that place. Not even when Baekhyun called his name, it was possible to feel his presence surrounding him. 

 

“His bones are right where you are.” Joonmyun answers, stepping closer and laying his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. 

 

“He is dead. Even his spirit… is not here anymore.” Baekhyun continues, hating to admit this out loud. He still fed that tiny hope that maybe he could feel their connection again, that visiting the place where Chanyeol sleeps will help him feel him again, and it hurts to acknowledge that he is fooling himself. “He is gone. Chanyeol is gone forever.” 

 

“Yes,” Joonmyun says after a while, a single tear leaves his eyes and he doesn’t wipe it away. “He is gone and he is not coming back. Those flowers… I just want to color the grave, but I know Chanyeol isn’t here.” 

 

“I… Chanyeol… Is dead. He is dead, Joonmyun.” Baekhyun repeats, blinking repeatedly and hating the fact that he won’t wake up from this nightmare. 

 

“But you are alive, Baekhyun. You are still in this world, unlike Chanyeol.” Joonmyun gently points out, massaging his shoulder softly. “You know that, right?”

 

“...yes.” Baekhyun whispers after an entire minute, rubbing his eyes furiously as the tears threaten to fall. 

 

“I never told you that” Joonmyun starts, his eyes staring at the grave. “But Chanyeol knew he was going to die.”

 

Baekhyun swallows and nods. He remembers every time Chanyeol wanted to mention death, Baekhyun did his best to change the topic, as though accepting the risk of him dying would increase the chances of this actually happening. 

 

“He knew you wouldn’t go to his funeral. He knew you wouldn’t move on.” Joonmyun continues, taking a deep breath. “Chanyeol asked me to bring you here when you were ready, and to give you this.” 

 

Fumbling his pocket, Joonmyun fetches an envelope, With trembling hands, he gives it to Baekhyun, motioning to him open it up. 

 

It’s a letter, Baekhyun notices, and he gasps as he starts reading it. 

 

“ _ Baek. If you are reading this, then I’m dead. Yes, baby, dead. I know you are stubborn (remember all the times we fought because you wanted to watch a movie I didn’t like?) and that means you have been suffering alone. I didn’t want to leave you, but things happen, and I think it’s for the best… you know, I’m in pain right now. You are sleeping by my side, and I hope you won’t wake up before I finish this letter. Anyway, I want you to say out loud that I am dead. And that you are not. Baek, I hope you are eating well, that you are having fun, that you are hanging out with your friends, that you have found someone… Yes, I want you to have someone to love, a boy who you will kiss you and hold you and love you like I did. You deserve that. So… if you already have this special person, I want you to put me aside and to allow yourself to live. I will be watching out for you and I want you to be happy. Can you do this for me, baby? For us? I want to become a memory, and I want you to build new memories with the people you love. I am sorry I had to leave this way… I will love you forever. Goodbye Baek. Go and find someone to take care of you, okay? _ ”

 

The handwriting, the style, the grammar mistakes, all screams of Chanyeol and Baekhyun chokes on his own tears. Joonmyun pulls him into a tight hug, hating the fact that this last year’s soundtrack has been Baekhyun’s sobs. 

 

“I’m sorry Baek.” He whispers in a soothing voice, not bothering when Baekhyun’s tears soak his neck. “But you have to move on with your life, ok? Just like now, I will always be with you. Your friends will be with you and the people you will still meet will be with you as well. You are never alone, Baekhyun. Never.”

 

“...I…I know…” Baekhyun mutters between his cries. “It’s just… I always tried to imagine what Chanyeol would tell me if he saw me right now… and that letter… it’s exactly like I thought it would be…”

 

“Of course it is, you knew him better than anyone.” Joonmyun answers. “Chanyeol knew you deeply too, and he knew what was going to happen. He isn’t here, he doesn’t exist anymore, but that doesn’t mean you have to destroy him. The memory of him, the Chanyeol that always appear in your dreams… they are alive and will stay by your side for the eternity.”

 

Joonmyun has been good with words ever since he was a kid, and Baekhyun feels his speech touch him profoundly. It makes sense, and even though he already knew all of this, he never had the courage of acknowledging it. Nevertheless, now he has the concrete evidence that he needs to move on, that’s Chanyeol’s wish. He’s never been able to say no to him, thus, how can he refuse his last wish? 

 

“I… Can I sleep with you?” Baekhyun asks, finally pulling away and wiping his tears. “I need to think but I don’t want to be alone.” 

 

“Of course you can,” Joonmyun replies gently, smiling at him. “I’ll call Yixing and tell him.” 

 

“Tell him I’m sorry,” Baekhyun adds. “I will see him tomorrow.” 

 

“Don’t worry, Yixing will understand you. He likes you very much.” 

 

Baekhyun nods quietly and stares at the grave as Joonmyun calls Yixing. It’s hard to think about their relationship right now; it’s not like they are dating, but there is a mutual agreement that they like each other. Baekhyun pretends not to notice the way Yixing’s eyes sometimes linger on his lips for too long, or how he kisses the corner of his mouth, missing on purpose his cheek. It’s obvious that the younger wants to have him, but it’s noble that he respects him, waiting for Baekhyun to feel ready.

 

Taking his hand, Joonmyun tugs on it, motioning that they should leave. Baekhyun knows there is nothing for him here, though he thinks he will come back someday. He walks to the car, sitting in the backseat and gazing at the window, his head aches as his thoughts freely overflow in a wave of doubts. His chest hurts as well, but he’s already familiar to this pain. This emptiness he feels inside him is the place Chanyeol used to occupy in his heart, which is currently filled by the dreadful vacantness. 

 

It’s not like Yixing is going to fix this hole in his soul, nor replace him. In fact, Baekhyun feels Yixing has a different spot in his heart, and it would be cruel to try and destroy it. Instead, he feeds it with love, allowing it to grow, and he realizes, after all this time, that it’s not unhealthy as he thought it is. If he doesn’t move on, then Chanyeol’s grave will consume his mind and his soul, until he is dead as well. Baekhyun can see it now, and even though it’s painful to admit, he needs to carry on. 

 

When they arrive, Joonmyun takes him upstairs, lending him some sleeping clothes, and pulling him to lay down in the bed with him. 

 

“I’m sorry for being selfish,” Baekhyun mutters, turning to his side to face him. “I’m not the only one suffering.”

 

“Yes, you are not.” Joonmyun agrees in a calm voice. “But you aren’t selfish either. Don’t worry about these things, okay? We all have each other and we will make it through together.” 

 

“Yeah. I think I’m ready to move on.” 

 

“You’ve been doing great already, Baekhyun. You can’t see how much progress you made, but I can assure you that you’re walking the right path.” 

 

A content smile lays on Baekhyun’s lips and he cuddles with Joonmyun, feeling warm. Then, Baekhyun experiments the peace he’s been desiring, the quietude of his mind and the sensation of doing things right. 

 

In that night, Baekhyun dreams of Chanyeol. He dreams of him almost every night, but this time it’s different. 

 

The taller boy is sitting on the grass, instead of his hospital bed. His hair is still brown but shorter than before, his skin is smooth and his lips are pink as he moistens them with his tongue. He cocks his head, smiling widely when he sees Baekhyun approaching, his eyes twinkle at the sight. 

 

“Hyunnie.” He speaks in a cute voice, taking his hand and looking up at him, and Baekhyun thinks he is simply beautiful. “I was waiting for you.” 

 

“You were?” Baekhyun asks, smiling as well, and he laughs as Chanyeol tugs on his hand too hard, causing him to fall on top of him. He slaps him playfully and sits beside him, resting his head on his shoulder. He notices it’s not bony as it used to be. 

 

“Mmm.” Chanyeol hums in agreement, taking Baekhyun’s hand and intertwining their fingers. “You took long enough to visit me.” 

 

“So, this is Chanyeol?” Yixing appears suddenly. Lately, Yixing has been coming up in his dreams, though he never shares the same scene with Chanyeol. Baekhyun looks at him and then at Chanyeol, wondering if the latter will be mad at him. “He’s really pretty, Baek, like you said.” 

 

“Hello, Yixing. Baekhyun talks a lot about you.” Chanyeol speaks, his voice is soft as silk, and he lets Baekhyun’s hand go. “You are going to take care of him, right? You will love him and help him.” It’s not even a question and Yixing nods.

 

“Of course. I love him already.” 

 

Baekhyun blushes; the Chinese boy never told him his feelings like this, and the Baekhyun of his dream believes that he loves him indeed. 

 

“Make him happy,” Chanyeol adds and smiles, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and pulling him closer, pressing a warm kiss to his forehead. “You too, Baek. Love Yixing and make him happy, just like we were happy.” 

 

“You… you will still love me?” Baekhyun asks, caressing Chanyeol’s arm with his fingertips, and he likes how his ribcage hits him faintly when he laughs. 

 

“I will never stop loving you, you silly. And I will always visit you, in your dreams.” 

  
  


 

vi.

  
  


Baekhyun can’t deny the fact that he loves seeing Yixing’s face when he goes pick him up from therapy. Sometimes, Baekhyun is still shaken up, mostly after the hard sessions, and Yixing respects him, being careful as he guides him to his motorbike. Today, however, he feels confident as he gets back home with Yixing. 

 

The Chinese boy pulls him to sit down in the couch, knowing that Baekhyun usually likes to talk when he gets back. This time, Baekhyun rests his hands on Yixing’s thighs, staring at his dark eyes. 

 

“I’ve told you about the dream I had with Chanyeol.” He starts, and the other hums in agreement, gently caressing Baekhyun’s leg. “I know that he has a special place in my heart and I shouldn’t be afraid that you will take it.” 

 

“Of course I won’t replace him, Baek.” Yixing’s voice is calm, as it always is, and his smile is warm. “But I want to have a place too.” 

 

“I… I like you.” Baekhyun mutters, leaning closer. “Can… can I kiss you?” 

 

Nodding, Yixing closes his eyes, waiting for Baekhyun to move. Baekhyun’s heart is beating faster, his breath is slightly faster as he is nervous and he grabs Yixing’s hands, holding it as he finally presses his lips against Yixing’s. They are soft, contrasting with Baekhyun’s chapped lips, and when Yixing parts them slowly, Baekhyun decides to deepen the kiss, gently pushing his tongue inside his mouth. Yixing tastes like chocolate and cream, and they explore each other with care, not pulling away until they are both breathless. 

 

“I like you too, Baek.” Yixing whispers, smiling against his mouth and he kisses him once more, savoring the moment. He’s been waiting for too long, and it feels better than he could ever imagine. Baekhyun is just so sweet and beautiful and there is nothing Yixing can wish but have him by his side. It’s been a long while since he’s been in love, though he can guarantee that his feelings were never strong like this time. The pure sight of Baekhyun’s shape is enough to make him feel butterflies in his stomach and he wants to take care of him and make him smile more often. 

 

It’s been a year since they first met, and six months since they’ve admitted their feelings for each other. Therefore, they are both needy, and Baekhyun craves for Yixing’s lips, loving to have them in his mouth, his cheeks, his chin, and neck. Every inch of his skin that Yixing touches seem like it’s on fire and Baekhyun has missed this so much. For the first time in months, he doesn’t think of Chanyeol as he makes out with Yixing, and he doesn’t feel guilty. He knows what he is doing, and he knows it’s the right thing. 

 

The sun has set when they finally decide they should go eat something. Baekhyun’s lips are swollen from their kisses and his cheeks are pink, causing Yixing to smile as he finds him just too cute. Ruffling his hair, Yixing presses one last peck to his mouth before he goes to the kitchen, deciding to cook something for them. 

 

“I thought about going home today,” Yixing says softly as he fetches the ingredients, grabbing a pan. “I want you to come with me, you’ve never gone to my apartment.” 

 

“Oh, okay. I want it too.” Baekhyun answers, smiling happily. He seems rather light, as though a weight has been taken off his shoulders, and he leans his head on his hands, watching his boyfriend cook. 

 

That’s how falling in love feels, Baekhyun thinks as he sighs. He had forgotten the feeling, and it’s quite pleasant to be able to have this again. He watches the Chinese man as he stirs the stew, as he cuts the carrots in tiny pieces. Yixing has been through a lot too and sometimes Baekhyun can’t believe he is actually real. Well, of course, he has his own problems, like the time he kissed Jongdae and hurt Baekhyun’s feelings, or the rare occasions in which he is the one who isolates himself; but most of the time he is simply amazing. 

 

After they eat, Yixing takes Baekhyun home. His apartment is small, having only one bedroom and a living room. It’s cozy, and although Yixing was afraid Baekhyun wouldn’t like it, the latter lays on the couch, telling him that his house is perfect. It makes Yixing smile and he kisses the tip of his nose. 

 

“Come on, baby, let’s go to the bed.” Yixing calls him and Baekhyun’s heart flutters at the pet name. He likes it, and he gets up, following him and taking his shoes off. He changes into his sleeping clothes, and he can’t help but glance at Yixing as he takes his shirt off. 

 

“Come here,” Baekhyun says, grabbing his wrist when he tries to dress. “Just come here, Xing.” 

 

Frowning slightly, Yixing moves closer, wearing only his pants. He sits on the bed as Baekhyun tugs on his hand more firmly, avoiding his eyes as Baekhyun looks over his chest. 

 

“Are you embarrassed of these?” He asks, softly touching the pink marks. They are ugly, he won’t deny it, but it doesn’t scare him. 

 

“...yes.” Yixing’s voice is barely a whisper and he flinches when Baekhyun keeps caressing it. 

 

“You shouldn’t be. They are your battle scars. It shows you are strong.” Baekhyun answers, smiling reassuringly and he holds his hands, pecking his lips. “You are the strongest person I know.” 

 

“I’m not,” Yixing mumbles, and he suddenly looks so small. His hair is still wet from his bath and his eyes are big and shiny, making him look like a lost puppy. Baekhyun remembers he’s young and, even though it’s Yixing who always takes care of him, it’s not his duty. Being the older one, Baekhyun feels responsible for him as well, and he caresses his fingers as he gazes at him.

 

“How come? Think about everything that happened, Xing. You’re alive, even after all the shit you’ve been through.” 

 

“I’m not strong.” Yixing repeats in a low voice. “I still have nightmares.” 

 

“You do?” 

 

“Yes. My father is still there and he has that  _ fucking _ cigarette in his hands and sometimes he hurts Luhan-” 

 

Before he can continue, Baekhyun pulls him into a hug, burying his fingers in his hair and stroking it soothingly. It hurts when Baekhyun realizes Yixing is crying low, muffling his noises as he hides his face on Baekhyun’s jacket, and Baekhyun knows it’s good for him to cry. People are told they are not meant to cry, that it’s a sign that they are weak, but Baekhyun knows it’s exactly the opposite. Being able to express your feelings is a rare gift. 

 

Breathing hastily, Yixing starts to talk about what bothers him. He tells Baekhyun about his nightmares, about his worst memories, about how afraid he used to be every time his father came home drunk. It seems like Yixing still considers himself a failure and a shame to his family, and for now, Baekhyun doesn’t try to convince him he is not. He knows Yixing is doing the right thing and his therapist will be able to open his eyes soon, so he simply listens to him, until he is calm and quiet. 

 

That night, as Baekhyun rests his head on Yixing’s chest, he realizes how different it is to sleep in a bed that isn’t his. There isn’t any guilt consuming his mind because it’s Yixing’s room, not Chanyeol’s; he doesn’t even have the chance to try and blame himself for sleeping with another man in his old lover’s house. It’s the first time he actually considers moving out, wondering if he will feel lighter if he leaves. 

 

It takes two months before Baekhyun finally accepts this house is harming him. Although Baekhyun loves to smell Chanyeol’s perfume in his clothes, he can’t deny it makes him feel sad, it makes him start mourning again. When Yixing suggested that he should move out and go live with him, Baekhyun couldn’t say yes. He knew the other one needed a roommate, but Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel that he would abandon Chanyeol if he sold the house. 

 

Nevertheless, it becomes too much when Baekhyun is kissing Yixing in the bed and he feels his skin crawl when he touches him, because he thinks Chanyeol is watching them. Whenever they are together, he can’t help but remember his moments with the other one, to revive all the scenes and to compare the situations. His therapist tells him this isn’t good for him, and since his friends have been trying to convince him for a year already, Baekhyun decides to give it a try. 

 

It’s not like it is unbearable, Baekhyun admits, neither as though he can’t get used to waking up in a strange bed. Actually, it takes only a week before Baekhyun memorizes every corner of his new apartment, and he decides to decorate their room with his furniture as well. He doesn’t bring Chanyeol’s stuff, and when his mother calls him, asking if she can have the house, he can’t say no. She promises to pack all his clothes, but Baekhyun knows he is being selfish and he tells her that she should donate his things, for there are people who need it more than a dead man. 

 

It is progress, Joonmyun assures him, and Sehun isn’t mad when he discovers what he did. In fact, Baekhyun can swear the younger seems better as he tries to move on and build his own life again. Somehow, he is glad that he doesn’t need to babysit Sehun anymore; it means Sehun is doing well on his own, that he is growing up. 

 

“I think we are all strong,” Baekhyun tells her therapist, watching her as she makes notes in the paper in her hands. “We are moving on, in our way. I think we are going to be okay.”

 

“Of course you are, Baekhyun.” She speaks in a soft voice, smiling a little. “You are already okay.” 

 

For the first time in awhile, Baekhyun doesn’t disagree with her. 

  
  
  
  
  


 

A loud knock on the door wakes Baekhyun from his nap, and even though he tries to ignore it, the person doesn’t stop. Yixing screams from the kitchen, asking him to go see who it is; Baekhyun groans, rubbing his eyes, getting up and walking sleepily to the living room, stumbling a little as he yawns. 

 

A light brown haired boy is standing there; he resembles Sehun, his eyes are bright and dark, just like a deer, his skin is pale and his lips are small and pink. His face is thin and he has dark circles under his eyes, but even though he seems tired and sick, he still is beautiful. His eyebrows furrows and he frowns for a second, wetting his mouth with his cute tongue. Everything about him is just small and delicate, as though he is a fairy. The boy has probably noticed he is staring at him as he clears his throat, pulling the long sleeves down.

 

“Huh, excuse me, I am looking for Zhang Yixing. I thought he lives here?” He speaks, his voice is rough and his accent is quite strong. Baekhyun assumes he is Chinese, for he said Yixing’s name with perfection. 

 

“He does. Who are you?” Baekhyun asks, leaning on the wall and gazing at him. He doesn’t care if he is making that kid feel uncomfortable, neither if his tone is rude. That person woke him up on a Sunday morning and he is grumpy right now.

 

“I’m Lu Han. Can I come in?” 

 

Baekhyun knows well that he shouldn’t feel annoyed by the way Luhan pronounces the words, but he dislikes his voice and to hear him talk. Probably, this isn’t the reason why Baekhyun doesn’t like him, but he wants to try and deceive himself, to consider himself a kind person who does not hates this Chinese boy named Lu Han. He is about to tell him that he should leave when he hears steps and soon enough he feels a presence behind him, followed by the voice he loves so much.

 

“Luhan...” 

 

“Yixing.” Luhan whispers and Baekhyun is indeed surprised when the boy enters the house, throwing himself in the other’s arms and hugging him. He feels a pang in his heart at that, he is jealous and he can’t even fake it. Yixing seems not to notice that as he allows Luhan to hold him, even patting his back politely and rocking him softly. 

 

“Why did you stop answering my letters?” Yixing asks in Korean, and Baekhyun is glad, because he wants to understand what they are talking about. “I was worried something had happened to you.” 

 

“Your father… He found your last letter, in my room.” Luhan replies, switching to Chinese. “I couldn’t talk to you.” 

 

“Couldn’t or didn’t want to?” Yixing says in Korean once more, suddenly pulling away. “You didn’t want to be seen with me.” 

 

An entire minute passes before Luhan sighs, facing the floor and nodding. 

 

“I didn’t want to be known as a faggot.” This time, he doesn’t switch the languages, and Baekhyun opens his mouth, wanting to complain at the choice of words, but Yixing reaches for his wrist and tugs on it, silently telling him that he can deal with this. “I was alone, Yixing, I kept away from all the boys and even Minseok, trying to convince him that I could still marry your cousin.”

 

“You chose this to yourself, Luhan. I won’t pity you.” 

 

“I know, I know. I just couldn’t handle, you know? I had to run away.” 

 

“What? You ran away from your family?” Yixing is perplexed, his expressions lighten up reasonably and he gazes at Luhan’s figure, noticing he’s lost a lot of weight. 

 

“...yes. I realized I was being stupid and I lost my best friend and the man I love because I wanted to honor my parents. I was throwing my life away because of a silly tradition.” 

 

“... God.” Yixing breathes out after a while, visibly affected by all that. Baekhyun bites his lips, trying not to whine as he lets his wrist go so he can take Luhan in his embrace, holding him tight. “It’s hard, Lu, but you are so brave.” This time, he speaks in Chinese, and Baekhyun decides to sit on the couch, giving them privacy. 

 

“I’m not.” Luhan sobs, his voice is much softer in his mother tongue. “I… I didn’t want to come and beg to you, like a pedant… but I don’t have a house anymore and I can’t let Minseok know that I’m a failure-” 

 

“You are not. You know he loves you, you are his best friend.” Yixing mutters and this time his fingers go to his hair, soothingly combing his threads. “We need to talk. Are you hungry?” 

 

Luhan shakes his head but his stomach betrays him, growling loud enough to make Yixing believe he hasn’t eaten for days. He smiles and takes his hand, guiding him to the kitchen. It takes several minutes before he comes back to the living room and he kneels in front of Baekhyun, who is laying down on the couch, and he caresses his cheek. 

 

“I’m sorry Baek, but do you bother going to Joonmyun’s house? Lu isn’t very comfortable with you here… he doesn’t like new people.” 

 

Although Baekhyun wants to deny, to comply that this is his home and he has no right to ask him to leave, he ends up nodding. He isn’t cruel, and even when he doesn’t like Luhan, he’s seen the expressions on his face.

 

“Is he okay?” Baekhyun asks in a tiny voice. 

 

“Yeah… I can deal with it. I’ve been in his place once.” He answers with a sad smile, and he leans down, kissing Baekhyun’s forehead. “Thank you, baby. I’ll explain everything to you later.” 

 

There is a muffled sob coming from the kitchen and Yixing sighs, pulling away. Apparently, Luhan has started crying again, and Baekhyun feels uncomfortable with that sound. Putting his jacket on, he peers one last time at the other room, smiling bitterly as he notices the way Yixing pulls Luhan into his embrace, and it’s somehow totally different from the way he acts with him. It makes him admit that Yixing doesn’t like Luhan that way, and that’s the first step for him to accept the Chinese boy. He doesn’t have any real reason to hate him, and his silly jealousy will do nothing but harm them both. 

 

Joonmyun isn’t home, Baekhyun knows it, so he decides to go visit Sehun. His feet know the path by instinct, the steep way doesn’t get him breathless anymore, and within a few minutes, he’s already knocking on the door. The younger boy opens it, smiling as he always does, and Baekhyun frowns when he hears a faint cry. 

 

“Come in.” Sehun coos him, pulling him by his hand and closing the door after. Jongin is sitting down on the mat, playing with Sohee. She is one year old already and she seems pretty interested in munching a toy, ignoring Jongin’s attempts to distract her. 

 

“Look who is here, Sohee. It’s uncle Baekhyun.” Jongin mutters, holding her little hand and pointing to Baekhyun, but she pays no mind and whines as Jongin tries to stop her from eating her doll. 

 

“Hey, Sohee.” Baekhyun says, sitting on the floor and laughing when she keeps ignoring him. “I think she loves her toys more than us, Jongin.” 

 

“I think she does.” Jongin agrees, pouting when Sehun comes back and takes her in his arms, encouraging her to play with a teether instead. 

 

“Do you love me more than your daddy?” Sehun asks her, not actually waiting for a reply. 

 

“I need a strong coffee.” Jongin gets up, patting Baekhyun’s shoulder, silently inviting him to follow him. Baekhyun sinks down in the kitchen’s chair, watching as Jongin makes himself coffee. 

 

“Is Sohee keeping you up at night?” 

 

“Yeah, sometimes she won’t stop crying,” Jongin speaks, rubbing his temples and pouring the coffee into two mugs. “That’s why I brought her here today, Sehun loves her and I can get some sleep.” 

 

“She is adorable.” Baekhyun smiles, thanking him when he hands him the cup, and he sips from it. “She looks a lot like Chanyeol.” 

 

“...she does.” Jongin hums, sitting down and sighing. “They have the same eyes. She is playfully like he was, what means that she is going to give me some headache in the future.” 

 

“But she will also make you very happy.” 

 

“She will,” Jongin mumbles after a while, apparently too focused in his own thoughts. “I didn’t like you in the beginning because I thought you could never make him happy. I thought he should marry a girl and have a child.”

 

“I know that. Chanyeol wanted to have a daughter.” 

 

“I’m sorry for misjudging you. Sometimes I can be grumpy.” Jongin smiles gently, stretching his arm and reaching for Baekhyun’s hand. “I guess we all face grief in different ways. Chanyeol’s death was hard… for all of us.” 

 

“It is still hard.” Baekhyun adds, reassuringly squeezing his palm. “But we all made it, right? Sehun is here with us, you are here, I am here. That’s what matters.” 

 

“I thought Sehun wouldn’t make it,” Jongin confesses in a low voice. “When you called me that day… I thought I would lose a second brother. I was mad at him and at you and at everybody. I was mad at fate for taking Chanyeol from me, for wanting to take Sehun as well. I was angry because you were the one who found him because you were the last person Chanyeol talked to.”

 

Baekhyun doesn’t answer to that, it seems like Jongin has been keeping those feelings to himself for too long and Baekhyun watches him with gentle eyes. 

 

“I understand now, Baek. So does Sehun, and Jongdae, and Joonmyun, and now you. Chanyeol died but we don’t have to sacrifice ourselves for him. Nothing will bring him back” 

 

“That’s how life is… It’s unfair but we have to carry on.” Baekhyun murmurs, reciting his therapist’s words. 

 

“Yes, we do. We have a future.” Jongin says slowly. “Sehun noticed this recently, he’s finally realized there is a long path in front of him. Sohee made me open my eyes and see this as well. It’s a pity we had to suffer so much to discover this.”

 

“It is.” Baekhyun hums. “It is hope that keeps us going, the desire for better days. We will be okay as long as we don’t lose it.”

 

Jongin looks up at him, staring at his eyes, and he smiles. Baekhyun can see the similarity between him and Chanyeol, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. Jongin finishes drinking his coffee quietly, getting up and washing his cup. 

 

“How is Yixing?” He asks absently.

 

“Oh, he is okay. I mean, there is this boy, he is his best friend, they weren’t talking and now he is here. He is Chinese too and it seems like he ran away.” Baekhyun admits. He doesn’t feel like it’s a secret that he should keep, and Jongin is a good friend to talk to, since Sehun is too busy playing with the baby. “I used to be jealous of him because I thought Yixing liked him that way.”

 

“Mmm.” Jongin turns around, drying his hands on his thighs and he sits down again. “Do you think Yixing will prefer him over you?”

 

“No.” Baekhyun sighs. “In fact, I think this guy even has someone. It’s just… I don’t like him.” 

 

“It’s okay not to like people,” Jongin says, resting his chin on his hands. “You only need to be polite. Yixing will understand if you can’t get along with him.”

 

“Do you think so?” Baekhyun asks and Jongin nods. It makes sense, since he probably won’t have to endure Luhan for that long. 

 

That night, when Baekhyun shares the bed with Sehun, he thinks about Yixing. He has been hurting for all his life, his happiness was ripped from him when he was a child and his father ruined his memories. Yixing might think Baekhyun doesn’t see him cry alone, but Baekhyun can tell what happened just by his puffy eyes. 

 

It must be extremely hard for him, and even for Luhan; getting born in a place that doesn’t accept you, that judges you by who you are, who hates you for who you love. Imagining an atmosphere overflowing with such hatred makes Baekhyun feel sick, and he pictures in his mind every time Yixing cried, screamed, begged, until he was by himself on that cliff, thinking about jumping. He remembers finding Sehun that day, his limp body fallen on the dirty floor, surrounded by the empty bottles. It’s desperating to think this could be a solution, and Baekhyun knows by heart how much pain someone has to be to try to kill themselves. 

 

It’s not an egoist, it’s not a heartless act as people use to say. No, it’s the last cry for help, the last step taken in freedom, the final, reckless decision. Baekhyun feels only empathy toward those boys, and he suddenly feels a bit better about Luhan. He doesn’t know him, and even though he doesn’t like the fact he mistreated Yixing, he can understand him. Perhaps, given the right circumstances, they could have been friends; if the world was fair enough to provide them that. 

 

The world breaks us all, Baekhyun concludes, but it also forces you to grow up. 

  
  
  
  


It’s ten in the morning when Yixing calls him and asks him to come back. He doesn’t come pick him up, though Baekhyun doesn’t actually bother walking back home. He says goodbye to Jongin and Sehun, Sohee is sleeping and he won’t wake her up, so he just smiles at her. 

 

The sun is covered by the clouds, the sky is gray, giving the atmosphere a gloomy air. Baekhyun thinks about Luhan as he walks, wondering if he will be there when he arrives. He doesn’t know what happened before the other started to cry, for he spoke in Chinese, but he will demand the answer to Yixing. He is curious and he is also worried, though he doesn’t want to admit to himself that he might care for the boy.

 

Yixing is waiting for him on the balcony, and when he spots him, he leaves the house, opening the door for him. He pecks his lips before he enters; that’s enough to calm Baekhyun down, to shush the fantasies his mind was creating for him, in which Yixing chooses Luhan. Not that it is a competition, anyway.

 

“Hey, I’m sorry for yesterday.” Yixing greets him, motioning to him to come in. They sit on the couch, facing each other, and Baekhyun leans his head on his hand, his eyes staring at his boyfriend. Yixing runs his long fingers between Baekhyun’s hair, combing it absently as he looks at him tenderly. “Are you upset?”

 

“No.” Baekhyun deadpans. “But I want to know what happened.” 

 

“It’s complicated.” Yixing takes a deep sigh, curling a strand of hair in his fingers. “Luhan always knew he was gay, but he tried to hide it. He tried to deny and he kept telling himself he could make his family proud of him. He put honor on top of everything, that’s why he only noticed how fucked up it was when he had no one else anymore.” A short pause, another sigh. “He doesn’t want to go back because he still doesn’t want anyone to know about his secret. Minseok is sort of his lover, but he was too embarrassed to ask shelter.”

 

“Where was he sleeping?” 

 

“In hotels, but two days ago his money ended and he had to sleep in the streets.” Yixing murmurs, pursing his lips and Baekhyun can see how shaky his voice is as he speaks. “It was freezing outside, Baek, and yet he preferred to keep his proud instead of looking for help.”

 

“But he did seek you.” Baekhyun mumbles, moving his hand to take Yixing’s. 

 

“He did, but it hurts me to know how far he had to go before he finally knocked on my door. We used to be best friends… it hurts, it hurts so bad.” 

 

“Where is he now?” Baekhyun asks in a soft voice, rubbing his shoulder gently, and he wishes he could take all his pain away, that he could rip it off from his beautiful heart. 

 

“I convinced him and called Minseok. He is sleeping in his house, they will go to the hospital tomorrow, to see if Luhan is ok.” Yixing replies and then he looks up, gazing at Baekhyun, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I was afraid, Baek, so afraid that I would lose him. How close I was…”

 

“Hey, Minseok will take care of him. Luhan is here, you can go and see him and help him heal.” Baekhyun comforts him, still rubbing his shoulder. “You helped me, you know that, right? Luhan will be okay too. And I will help you heal because that’s what friends do. That’s what you do when you love and care for someone. You stay by their side and help them to be okay.” 

  
  


There is no vocal answer as Yixing sniffles and buries his head in Baekhyun’s neck, hugging him and feeling his warmth. He feels like home when he is in his arms, when they laugh and cry together, when they go out with their friends and have fun. You can’t choose the family you are born with, but you can have a second chance. This little family, him, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Luhan, Minseok: his friends; they keep him going, they help him see the purpose of his life, to not feel lost in this cruel world. Maybe, after all, he doesn’t need his parent’s approval to feel complete, not when his heart is overflowing with sheer love. 

 

“I love you.” Baekhyun whispers, kissing his hair. “I love you, I love you so much. Don’t forget that, promise me.” 

 

Yixing is surprised by that, for Baekhyun has never told him that he loved him. Once, he said that you could only love one person in your life, and that person was Chanyeol; therefore, Yixing feels honored as he finds his place in his heart. 

 

“Thank you for giving me a chance to love you.” Yixing breathes out, moving away and wiping the tears that escaped from his eyes. He can’t help but smile widely when he looks at Baekhyun; he might not be perfect, but he is the ideal person he needs. If Yixing could have anyone in the world, he wouldn’t hesitate. He would pick Baekhyun, the boy with a cute smile and dark circles under his eyes, who works in a restaurant washing the dishes and didn’t go to college.

 

Baekhyun feels happy and calm, and he is glad Yixing looks better as well. He gazes at the window, smiling to the horizon, noticing that the sky is crying, and it’s like the exact painting of the day Chanyeol left him. 

 

“Goodbye, Chanyeol.”  He speaks to the clouds, his fingers still caressing Yixing’s neck, comforting him. “Farewell.” 

 

And Chanyeol leaves him for the second time.

 

Baekhyun smiles.

  
  
  


* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much if you've read this far.  
> i would LOVE if you commented, i love when i can know what you felt whilst you read the story, what are your thoughts about it... please share it with me? (:  
> it's been almost three months writing this, i didn't imagine it would get this big hahah  
> english is not my mother tongue so please forgive me for any mistakes.  
> thank you so much again! <3


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